In Rhythm With My Broken Heart

Haven't written anything since February, but looking back on it, that was a pretty bleak post really.  So let's try it again, it's not my birthday post but it's pretty close.

Since last time, I finally saw a for real cardiologist, and wouldn't you know it, an actual expert knew a few things and had a few ideas to help me.  So now I'm on an anti arrythmic, and my heart rate has been stable for months now.  And with it my energy has come back a little bit, not enough to be scampering about like I used to.  But enough that I can drag myself out of the house and socialise now and again. 

And to fix some of the repressing of myself I've been making an active effort to be a little bit extra on the weekends.

As usual my relationships are chaotic nonsense.... Feeling confusingly into one of my friends as I almost always am, but at least not one who lives down here, just a beautiful kindred spirit I adore. 

I'm not even sure how to not end up crushing on the people I bond with honestly, it's like if there's a closeness and ease of conversation with someone, and a smidge of physical attraction that's really all it takes. 

And I'm sure it's not always very healthy, but I also don't know that I'd want it to stop. 

Not sure how things will end up, on any regard really, but figured I'd at least show some kind of sign of life. 

Love,

Abigail 

Losing The Sparkle

I didn't even write my yearly birthday post last year, so I guess this can kinda sit in it's place.

I haven't written in so long, so here's the recap. 

Heart... Still broken

Energy..... Fractionally better

Work.... I'm trying and probably pushing myself a bit much 

Social life.... Nonexistent outside of work

So my little brother gave me a job that's office admin and some caravan repair stuff, it's pretty far from anything I've done before.  But it gives me a chance to work without all the pressure my health issues cause. 

And those pressures are as much in my head as they are in reality, I don't want to work and let people down in any of the roles I worked before.  I wouldn't keep up these days. 

This is like falling off the horse and getting back on it, only the horse is a cute little pony. 

Having a job again has been at least good for my self esteem and mood, I can buy myself a few more treats than before, things feel slightly less financially dire. 

The downside I guess is that living where I do, and caravan clientele being what they are, it's not exactly an environment where I can feel like myself.  My brother does an amazing job sticking up for me, and I love him for it. 

But I definitely feel like I'm dulling myself down a bit, being palatable for the old misogynistic homophobes. 

In general this year i feel like my sparkle has faded, I've lost so many friends, I've dealt with cliquey bullshit, and had to try and get used to the idea that I'm all on my own. 

It's like I've been putting myself back in a box. 

On the upsides, I'm getting lots more daily exercise at work, I'm eating way more consciously, I'm taking vitamins and meds. 

I physically feel better than I have in a long time, even if my heart rate still floats around 150bpm most days. 

I feel like I'm always complaining about lack of intimacy and closeness in my life, but this year has really hurt. 

So uh my birthday lessons this year? Take care of what you have, whether it's your body, your friends, your identity.... Anything you value.

Love, 

Abby

The Consciousness Struggle

Trigger warnings for bleakness, nihilism, negativity and implied thoughts of death. 

I've been having some really weird existential angst recently, I'd say it's a crisis of the faith if I was religious.  Maybe it's a kind of death of optimism.

Having a chronic health condition means I'm trapped with my own thoughts just feeling bad an awful lot of the time, having ADHD on top of that means my brain is still way too fast even when my body can barely move. 

So the things that plague me I think are a combination of philosophy, science, hallucinogens, and religion. 

I think about the fact that we are born and given this finite lifespan to enjoy, and then suddenly we are dead... And it's not even as cheerful as nothingness or black voids... Because we won't even be aware of the lack of reality.  I've spent my whole life perceiving my reality, the idea of no longer doing that is really scary.  Imagining it fills me with a really specific kind of fear. 

It's one of the reasons I avoid ketamine and DMT now, because the editing of reality on those is so confronting. And especially with ketamine it often feels like disintegrating and very slowly reintegrating, it feels too close to death.

And then if we take things really macro scale there's the whole idea that the universe expanded outwards and eventually it will die too.  Nothing is forever, infinity is a joke, there are just some very large concepts, but they all have an end point eventually.

So I went to look for scientific evidence of where consciousness and perception come from, proof of a soul, anything. 

And all of my uniqueness just comes down to chemical chance.

I feel really nihilistic lately, if nothing actually means anything, and no part of us goes on from here then why drag it out?

And if by some fluke some part of us does? Why not just get to it.

No you don't need to be worried about me doing anything silly, but I could definitely use more love in my life. 

Lately I feel like all the people that mattered are gone, now it's just me and my sickness and thoughts. 

Love, 

Abigail 

Anxiety... but make it casual

I can't believe I haven't posted since January, I've wanted to so many times and just couldn't quite bring myself to write.

Anyone who has been following along knows that I've been really lonely and more than a little bit anxious about actually getting intimate with people.  

Sure, I fall in love so fast and so hard at times.. It's usually just me being hopeful that I mean as much to them as they mean to me. 

Lots of the time it's really confusing feeling like a really strong attraction that might be best friends, platonic soulmates, or future wife.... I tend to only really feel physical attraction long after I've decided I like a person's soul.

Anyway.... So all the romantic goo Abigail aside, I met a girl who is probably the most sexually liberated human I know.  Its a little intimidating even if I always considered myself pretty open minded. 

We got on, would hang out drinking, just bonding time... When she springs me with the "hey do you wanna have some zero commitment sex?"

It had been like six or seven years, and I feel really safe and understood by her, so I said yes.  And it was really fun, helped kill some of my anxiety about how things would work now and it was just really nice to feel wanted in that way again. 

We only had that one night though, it's not going to be a regular thing.  And it's actually really frustrating.  When you've gone that long you've just kinda given up on wanting it anymore.  You crave intimacy more. 

So suddenly I'm like dammit I want more.... 

I never even thought I was capable of unemotional unattached sex, so it's been a complex time in my head... Like I can see the appeal, it was really nice, but it wasn't meaningful and I feel like I betrayed my own profound longing for actual love. 

I don't like the idea that I could start accepting less than I want. 

But I'm also really tired of being alone and wanting more than I'll ever get from people, how many times can I end up hopelessly infatuated and hurt.  If there's a limit to that I must be getting close. Maybe occasional casual stuff could be enough to keep me happy. 

Right now, I've been spending lots of time with a girl I adore... And as usual I already know it wouldn't work.  She's not looking to date, she's pretty deep in no strings mode and has her own things to deal with. 

But it doesn't stop those smitten sighs of wishing it could, that somehow I'd be the right person and the choice. 

I'm so good at finding the people who can almost love me.  

Anyway that was the kinda core big thoughts lately.... Aside that I lost one of my best friends and don't even know why, I'm just being aggressively ghosted, and that's really hurt. 

My health is still in the gutter with no signs of ever getting better, which means I can't work, which means I can't escape this town and find some trans friendly community elsewhere. 

It's all a bit bleak and depressing honestly. 

But I keep giving tomorrow the chance to surprise me.  

Hell Is Other People

I don't know what it is about being unemployed and sick, but it seems to attract a lot of really vicious judgment from people.

Either they want to look down their noses at how I choose to spend my money or fund my hobbies, or they want to tell me I'm just lazy and should be outside exercising as if that's the magic solution to a chronic health condition. 

I'm so fucking sick of it, especially knowing that if I was working I'd be experiencing so much less of it. 

Without being me they can't ever understand how I feel, how depressing it is to not feel capable of even the most basic life tasks, or how lonely it all is. 

Fuck all of those people anyway. 

Yearly Reflection

Most years on or around my birthday I get all self reflective and try to come up with some kind of lesson for myself.  But this year has been so bleak.

I've been heartbroken at least three times, I've been lonelier than I have ever been even though I'm surrounded by people who love me, my health is all over the place, and I have no fucking clue what to do from here. 

If I were to move to Sydney which is at least kind of an option, what would I do for work given my health issues, where would I live, would it even be less transphobic feeling?

And if i stay where I am, can I even actually survive knowing I'll never be loved the way I need to be?

I'm fucking depressed, and I actually don't even want to brightside this shit today. 

Go Where The Love Is

I've spent so many years either running away after heart breaks or running to wherever I think the love might be.  Just desperately trying to find where I belong in the world.

And I've wasted years of my life waiting to see if things would work out.

Right now I'm living back home and even though I have lots of friends here, I still feel lonely so much of the time. 

When I go out for a night out, its all side eyed glares and uncomfortable, if I dare to install Tinder it's the same four butch lesbians and couples looking for thirds. 

It's really hard being a demisexual in a small town, I bond with people hard, I fall in love, and then I end up sad they don't feel the same way.  I'm never as special to people as they are to me. 

So maybe it's time to repeat the cycle, pack everything up, and go where the love is. Or at the very least the possibility of finding it.

Where there are other LGBTQIA people, where i could feel less like some kind of alien exhibit for people to be curious about. 

I just don't know where that is yet.

Worth Saving

In one of my old posts about love I mentioned that I have all of these really ingrained self esteem issues, and this week I've had some reminders about just how bad they actually are.

When the people in our lives that are meant to love us end up hurting us instead it creates this lasting impact on our worth. 

In my case it started with the physical violence from my father, and was made significantly worse by the emotional abuse in my last serious relationship.

So how do we feel worth again? The incredibly unhealthy option that most people with PTSD end up with, is we desperately seek the approval of others, and the people who matter most to us especially.  We seek love and approval everywhere we go. 

And sometimes that works, for awhile, but then any kind of perceived rejection throws us straight back to that original trauma... I turn into this sad suicidal hurt animal, I lash out, I get unstable, I hurt myself.

And I think I have finally reached the point where I need to admit that I can't go on like this, I need some help and professional support. So I'm actually going to look into practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy near me.

It's really hard to admit these kinds of vulnerabilities, and I'm actually scared of the idea of talking to someone honestly about it all.  But let's be real, I can't keep drowning it in substances or running away every time I hurt. 

So here's hoping I can work it all out. 

Love,

Abigail 

Remember Who You Are

I had a really amazing weekend for lots of reasons really.  When I decided to leave my job one of the last things I did was to book myself a night away in Wanaka, which is a gorgeous cliche alpine lake town in New Zealand.  I bought tickets to see one of my favorite musicians play with the sole intention of doing something entirely for my own enjoyment. 

It had probably been a few years since I went to a gig that I actually REALLY wanted to be at, so I drove up from my hometown with a friend.  

Stopped and visited some friends I hadn't seen in years, and had great chats in the Arrowtown sunshine.  Arrowtown is a super scenic former gold mining town, surrounded by cliffs and with a cute river running through it. 

Finally arrived in Wanaka, a bit later than I expected, checked into a nice hotel room that was probably less nice than I was expecting. 

Drank wines, chatted, did my makeup, got on a cute outfit and filled with anxiety went out.

It's always nerve wracking going out in new places, there's always the lingering threat of transphobic douchebags. And I am always hyper vigilant.

But anyway I actually had so many nice moments, girls in the bathroom complimenting my outfit, super wasted girls telling me they love me... Yknow the kind of wasted hype squad we all need occasionally. 

The security staff saying have a nice night girls when we walked past was nice little gender affirming euphoria. 

Dancing lots, which I'm generally too self conscious to do, but somehow opiuo always manages to get me to have a boogy. 

All the fantastic chats with my friend, random strangers, and the kinda blurry messes that happen by 2am.

A deep and meaningful with a stranger whose friends looked thoroughly over the fact that I had her captivated too long. 

And the inevitable freezing cold walk back to the hotel at 4am.

But all of these things reminded me that I actually love that stuff, I love meeting new people and having those huge chats, I love those nights that turn into days, and I really haven't done any of that in so long. 

At least not on my own terms, it's always gigs to support other people. 

It's Wednesday, and I still feel the afterglow. 

So remember, do the things you love, with the people you love, and do them as often as you can. 

Broken Hearted

I'm always broken hearted in one way or another, but as it turns out this time it's quite literally.

I have been feeling like there was something wrong for years really, I'd get a racing heart rate and out of breath doing the simplest things, and I have suffered extreme fatigue for most of my life. 

But this week I went to work and just felt awful, the fatigue was overwhelming. I felt faint, dizzy, headachey, and just all round terrible.

So I decided to go to the ER, and at least initially they gave me the impression they thought I was wasting their time, until they connected me to EKG. 

Probably the first time I've been all the way topless in front of anyone after transition, and it's a bunch of doctors and nurses getting really rough with my boobs, that was pretty violating.

My heart has been beating fast for years, anything from 100-150 while resting.  In the ER it topped out at 174 and all the doctors and nurses came running.  I definitely felt like I might pass out but they kept asking if i had chest pain, could I hear them, am I okay.... Which just panicked me more. They gave me beta blockers to slow me back down, and a bunch of IV fluids and stuff.  So thankfully I actually went to hospital not a GP as a casual patient. 

If I'd gone home and ignored it, I might not be here right now. 

My diagnosis is Atrial Fibrillation which basically means my heart gets trapped in a bad rhythm and beats far too fast.  Its been all over my family and killed my grandmother, and definitely didn't help my father's case. 

So I'm not sure if I mentioned it here but I've had the weirdest sense of impending doom for ages now, and this just feels like the beginning to me.

So the next step is to see a cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and possibly an MRI and CT scan of my chest, to see if there are any surgical procedures that might help, and how bad the damage has been.

And here's the hard part right, this thing fucks over healthy people pretty effectively. 

But I have an extensive history of drug use, a lot of which are reasonably cardio toxic, I've probably snorted my own body weight in stimulants in my lifetime, I've smoked most of my life, I've had more than a few bottles of wine, and frankly I eat like shit a lot of the time.

So I'm really scared of what those scans are going to say, the impending doom just feels like it's starting not gone. And I'm worried about them finding other things wrong in this process. 

These meds also seem to make my back pain astronomically worse, I've been in crying pain all morning. So that's another ER trip probably. 

On top of all of this I'm still having bursts of tachycardia (bpm over 100 while resting) and every time that happens I worry that maybe I'll get unlucky, maybe I'll just die doing something stupid at work or lying in my bed. Because let's face it they're the only two places I ever am anymore.

I'm scared it could all be over randomly, and I'll never be able to find my person, I'll never get to finish any of my writing, I'll never get to tell everyone I love them, I'll never get to show off the more complete version of me. 

And I cry.  I'm pre mourning myself which probably feels overly dramatic to some of you.  But I'm really really scared. Every twinge in my chest, feeling the pulse in my legs if they touch while I sleep, every headache and fluttery beat of my heart.... Just scares me.

And I know I'm completely powerless against any of it, so if it happens, the people I love should probably already know it.  I love you. 

Fickle Mental Health

It's a really weird thing to feel absolutely fantastic 90% of the time and then just feel crushing despair and a desire for everything to end the other 10%

In this moment I'm feeling really low, it's hard to feel like any progress is happening, I feel really trapped in my circumstances.  And anyone who knows me knows I hate feeling trapped or forced into things.

Obviously a lot of this can change and will very soon, but it doesn't help me in the moment.  I'm exhausted almost always and surviving on Ritalin and Zopiclone to manage my sleep cycles, which isn't maintainable really.  And because I'm exhausted I'm feeling erratic, low, high, everything, nothing. 

I need a few days of just being hugged while sleeping, or the void to take me, or my entire life to change. 

What Love Means To Me

Anyone who reads this blog knows I'm a little bit damaged, I've got self esteem issues going right back to my childhood, attachment issues due to various relationships that hurt me, and probably a pretty skewed view of what it actually means to be loved.

I'm always looking for a person to take those pains away and make me forget all the past hurt, it's actually a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to I think, and the fact that I'm so love starved to begin with means I tend to attach hard and too fast.  I'm aware of it, but it doesn't necessarily prevent it happening 

I'm really lucky though, I get a lot of platonic love and have so many truly amazing friends, they've done wonders at helping all those self esteem issues and honestly just keeping me here when things feel overwhelming and bleak. 

But romantic love is more elusive, it has been literal decades since I've felt an honest version of it.  One where I didn't feel guilty about it, or like it'd be gone at a moments notice. 

Love to me is the person who makes me glow just by being around, who I can talk to about anything no matter how hard and be given an understanding ear or some good advice, it's understanding who I am and the ways I'll sometimes react.  It's healing together. 

It's sharing lives, being the person next to me to be delighted with when we are out on adventures, and lie next to me at 3am talking about our hopes and dreams.  Being part of a team of two amazing individuals that just become better for it.

It's about challenging one another in healthy ways, and remembering how precious we are even when we fight, and never taking that for granted. 

I just want to be seen and valued, I want my strange little soul to be all those things I listed for someone else.  I want them to glow extra hard with me.

Most importantly though, I want someone who understands that kindness is a gift, who treats everyone with some softness, not just me. 

Love is lots of different things really, and it probably looks different to other people. 

But this is basically my self affirmation, so I stop getting lost so often.

Abigail x

Rarely A Straight Line

People always wish for the linear process, if I do step a, step b, step c then everything will be better.

But thats hardly ever how it actually works 

This week has been full of ups and downs, the usual slightly manic feeling of my work life where I sleep where and when I can, trying so hard to have a social life on top of it all, and still processing exactly how I feel about so many things. 

Today I just feel sad, like the brief bursts of feeling okay and the joys of things are just wearing off too quickly in the face of the exhaustion and sadness. 

It was never going to be easy to just flick a switch and stop hurting, because healing is a winding path that sometimes loops back on itself.  But for today, it hurts all over again. 

And that just has to be okay, I'll embrace the sadness for now. 

Afterglow

It's actually been a really nice few weeks, my phone informed me I'd used it 41hrs less than the previous week haha, so the detox is kinda working.  I have my professional Facebook account that I've added people to lately but I don't post to it much.

Been planning a big girl's night since one of my best friends is leaving the country again soon, it's going to be a multiple wardrobe changes kinda night, and probably hyper emotional but in the best ways.

Went for a nice long walk on the beach with someone I hadn't seen in far too many years, really nice to have that time with someone I adore.  Lots of fresh air and exercise. 

I don't wanna jinx it but I actually feel really healthy and happy right now.

Love, 

Abigail 

Anti-Numb Emotional Rebound

Whenever I need to deal with anything emotionally hard I have a tendency to get kinda clinical, like if I just focus on all the things I need to do to establish my emotional safety then I can avoid actually feeling whats hurting me.

I busy myself with the administration of it all, and then comes the crash.  The numb automatic mode runs out, and I kinda disintegrate. 

Today was the first day I've actually stopped and felt how hard it is to not have that person I share everything with, and realize it's going to be awhile before I have someone like that again.  It's not about second guessing my decision, it's more like finally actually mourning that loss. I definitely miss her. 

So what do I do during the emotional rebound, well I cleaned my room, did my laundry, made my bed, put on a face mask and a candle, and cried.

Basically again I kept my brain busy as long as I could on other tasks... And then I ran out of things to do.

I doubt this is helpful to anyone else, but I kinda wanted to document the thoughts, and the responses, maybe it'll help me next time I break my own heart.  Because let's face it, I'll never stop feeling this much, loving this hard, and probably getting hurt more.

Anyway, here's to the people we loved and lost, the people we've yet to love, and to the lonely broken hearts. 

Love,

Abigail 

Clean Slates

So basically this is the end and the beginning in a lot of ways, I deactivated my personal Facebook account last night after getting my backups downloaded, and that decision was mostly just around the kinds of feelings and moods that Facebook tended to cause.

As a transgender person we tend to see a lot of comments on Facebook which specifically treat us as less than the general population, we are discussed in terms of legislation over our bodies, our private lives, our ability to choose for ourselves.  A lot of those comments treat us as a problem to be solved rather than as individuals with lives, loves, friends and family, passions and dreams.

Its the same kind of arguments against people of other races we've seen before, the same arguments we saw on gay marriage and almost every other horrible period of human history where a minority suffered violence at the hands of bigots.

So every day, at LEAST once or twice a day I would see some comment which basically said I should die, or that I shouldn't be allowed to exist as a transgender person, that I'm somehow mentally ill and need to be cured or killed.  It gets really draining, even with all the positive posts celebrating being trans that I also see... for every hundred positive posts it only takes one of those spiteful people to really make me spiral.

And if you've been keeping up on all my other posts, it was also a place where I was constantly reminded of how much I have been hurting about the girl I mentioned, its really hard to try and move on if you are seeing them even virtually everywhere you go.

So here we are, its digital detox time, I figure I will try and write a lot more on this blog which should result in better content here that's a little more detailed than I could ordinarily get away with on Facebook, there will be less editing, and of course without all the memes and foolishness hopefully it will be easier to take it all a bit more seriously.

I think because I tend to be quite light hearted and silly, people tend to see me as somehow incapable of seriousness or that my feelings are never really hurt.  Hopefully this post should clarify, that I actually hurt an awful lot of the time, and the seriousness definitely happens I just haven't always been the best at showing it.  It's much easier to laugh than cry.

The other thing I am looking forward to is having direct conversations with people more often, rather than people relying on my ridiculous levels of spam on Facebook to count as keeping up with me, I hope they'll take a few minutes to actually talk to me occasionally.

I love my people, its going to be a strange and difficult thing to deliberately distance myself like this, but I really hope it will actually make me a better friend with more emotional energy to play with.

Lots of love,
Abigail

Emotional Chew Toy

So you think someone loves you, but really you're just their emotional chew toy, lots of fun when they want to play, that is until you fall to pieces.

I feel like shit, and I hate the level of gaslighting involved.  The same girl who tells me all the ways she loves me and wishes we'd worked out just a few weeks ago, and now because I want it to happen, or not, I'm treated like a lunatic and like it's all in my head. 

It's just really disappointing to be treated that way by someone you thought cared. 

But it's done, I made the healthy choice, and here I am just feeling unsure where to from here.  I'm trying really hard to stay the same loving optimist I always am, but it's hard. 

There's a sense of relief too though, it's over finally. 

The Follow On

I guess it does actually all catch up, snippets of human affection from people who you can't be with actually aren't enough.  Sometimes its just safer to stop hoping and hurting yourself waiting for it to last more than a night at a time.

And I know I deserve better than that kind of thing, but its been well over a decade, and nobody has put their hand up for that particular task.  The loneliness is real, the anxiety is also real.

My last real relationship was in 2010, and it was a nice simplistic hetero situation, I have no idea how to find whatever I need to find now.  I am basically looking for that pan/bi/lesbian needle in the haystack that will love me for me, and I am trying to find it in some of the smallest most narrow minded places in New Zealand... it's actually really hard when all my friends are telling me I deserve better, or I will one day find the most amazing person to be with.  I am 43... being real there are not that many awesome years left to enjoy the early parts of dating people, traveling, adventuring.  At what point does it actually get too late to start over.

I cry at night sometimes, for the girl I wish I could be with, for the girl I wish I was, but mostly I cry because I want to matter enough to somebody again that I am where they want to be.

Waiting for happiness

It seems really silly to put your life on hold for some potential future happiness that might never come, if it were any one of my friends I'd tell them to stop being so stupid. 

But that's exactly what I keep doing really, because I love someone that just can't happen, and in my head I feel like I'd rather wait forever for that than try find something similar with someone else. 

It just seems so unlikely, I have basically loved this girl since we were dumb kids, and it keeps almost working out but not quite. 

And sure I should take that as a sign, or take my own advice about not being with people who need to he convinced to be with you. 

But it's just so different, and nice just enough of the time that it's hard to forget.

Anyway just needed to do the 3:15am vent, because of all my dumb feelings. 

What time is it? Where am I?

So I recently started working as a residential support worker at a rehab center, and it comes with lots of night shifts.

It's a really strange thing to adjust to, sleeping during the day, awake all night and a weekend that happens on Wednesday/Thursday/Friday.

So I am feeling the loneliness a bit, since most people aren't available when I am anymore, even virtually really. 

I've moved to a new town, kiiinda have a room that works, and the job is actually amazing.  But I do miss my people, I made so many awesome friends last year. 

Such is life, I'm sure I'll perk up once I start getting paid properly.  And I'm visiting my home town on Wednesday to probably fall asleep on my hair dresser, and catch up with some people. 

Creativity While Banned

 So I received a Facebook ban for a few days, those who know me are probably a little shocked I'd never actually had one before.  But here we are, and because I can't post anything I am feeling pent up already hehe.

So I want to talk about creativity a little bit, because it can be such a mercurial thing for some of us, for me right now its the struggle of wanting to write anything while I am already expected to write so much for academic purposes and the eternal struggle of ADHD just not letting me.

But looking back on all the writing I have done is really interesting, I review my own previous writing once in awhile just to see how far I've come, what I used to do better than I do now, what I have managed to improve etc, and of course how much I have changed as a human since then.

A lot of my old fiction writing would fit roughly in the "transgressive fiction" category, lots of aggression, anti-social stuff, kinks, fetishes, drugs, violence, misogyny at points (ewww)
And I review it and just think who the hell even was I back then, but then some of it is awfully nicely written trash too, so I don't want to discount it entirely.

For myself the creativity happens when I have an overwhelming feeling I need to express, or if somebody asks me to write them something for a specific theme or purpose, or an idea I just can't shake.
And where it all falls apart is when I get too involved and can't just stop when it's good, I have to keep working on things until I hate them, and they might not ever even get seen by anybody by that point.

I love sharing, this blog has been an absolute life saver at times because its sharing without forcing it down people's throats.  The few regular readers I have will see all of it, but most people only see glimpses when I share an individual post.  It's like screaming into the void, if the void were recording everything.
But it does give me that outlet for creativity in sometimes quite concise chunks, there isn't the pressure to complete anything, there isn't the pressure of an audience I am trying to cater to.

But how do we spark creativity when we really don't feel it, when life's just a little too flat to want to explore our imaginations or express ourselves.  The answer is to engage with other people, they inspire us, they give us new ideas to get excited about, and they give us a reason.

At the last party I went to I met an exceptional human, and since then we share ideas and talk about all kinds of things that I haven't in ages, I think I have inspired her and she definitely inspires me.  And that's so refreshing.  And if you read this, I adore you lady, in the gayest possible terms, I think you're super neat... pro homo.  

So if you're stuck in a creative blackhole, my advice is to have heartfelt chats with somebody, be vulnerable, be honest, trust someone other than yourself for a second.  And pick up the laptop, pen, brush, needle and thread, popsicle sticks and PVA... whatever it is you do to unleash your imagination.

In other creative news, I also ordered some paint by numbers kits, because I found playing paint by numbers games on my phone SUPER relaxing.  So I want to try in the real world, hopefully its soothing x 100000.

Lots of love,
Abigail

Future Me

 So course is still going well, I am on placement with the Salvation Army in their Reintegration Service which is essentially helping clients who are leaving prison after a sentence of more than two years to find their feet in society again.  This mostly means finding jobs, housing, setting up accounts etc

It is a really interesting placement to get really, and lets me use some of my personal experience, so I am actually quite lucky in that regard.

So assuming I get all of my hours done and pass the last few assessments the game plan is to graduate mid-December, and then I will be moving back to Dunedin to continue my studies, three more years of this stress just so that I can be a registered counsellor.

But it does mean I'll get to see all of my Dunedin people who I absolutely adore, and I will hopefully be moving in to an amazing house with some people I have already lived with before so that will actually be fantastic.

Everything feels like it could actually work out, which is awesome and gives me that bright shiny glow of optimism that I feel like I have been missing a little bit this year.

I'm still more tired than I would like, some days its really hard to get up, or focus on the things I need to.

So I am hoping I can do something about that soon too, because I'd be unstoppable if I could get that under control.

I keep meeting amazing people, and sharing amazing moments, and it actually sucks that I won't be seeing some of these people so much for a few years.

So if you're reading this, I love you, and I won't ever forget you hehe

Love.
Abigail

Halfway

I haven't written anything personal in ages, the pressure of writing so much academically has been so draining.  

My best friend in class left, and that actually messed with me a lot more than I thought it would, she was escaping a potentially unsafe situation so I had to be understanding, but she was a great motivator to study and a kind ear for my day to day chats.

And then on top of that I've had ridiculous fatigue issues again so I probably need to go and get some blood removed.  That usually helps. 

But I have hung in there, I'm half way through, and we start our first placement soon.  I still don't know where mine will be, but it's exciting.

In other news, I asked a girl out, she didn't say yes but she said no in the nicest way possible. And it was actually huge for me to be that vulnerable again, it had been years.

Sometimes we just need to take leaps of faith and forget all the hurt. 

I might submit some writing to a contest. There's a decent prize, and it'd help me so much.

What else, hormones and meds are nice and stable, I have some breast growth again which is nice.

I also spoke with a psychiatrist recently to get approval for surgery, during that interview she told me I could actually get breast augmentation for free through the nearby hospital so I am now on the waiting list for that.  She is also going to give me letters to update my gender marker on my birth certificate and to give to surgeons overseas for my face and genital surgeries. 

Things are moving ahead, and I need to remind myself of all of this on the days where I feel stuck and aimless.

So there you have it, the key things that happened in my life for the past six months really.

Lots of love,

Abigail 

Studying Hearts

It has been ages since my last post, it feels like years but has barely been months, but I feel like life is being aggressively compressed lately.

The class I am currently in is a lot more high pressure than I anticipated really, so much homework and so many different topics at once that even medicated I barely feel like my head is above water.

On top of that in my infinite wisdom I'm attempting to quit smoking, and I'm all heartbroken over my latest foolish escapades with a girl.  Things are a mess and I feel super nihilistic, but I know that's MOSTLY Champix.

Life must go on, and right now I'm engaged in the futile attempt to memorize my mihimihi..

My brain hates memorizing things, information is primarily absorbed over time.

But I need to know this by tomorrow.

Ugh somebody just shoot me. 

Intangible Thoughts

I don't know if anyone has ever noticed but quite often I'll write a blog post as a way to try and process something, and then a few hours later delete it because frankly a lot of the time I feel stupid as a result.

I have all of these intense feelings that feel like ghosts, they're never quite all the way there, but I feel their presence. 

Most of those posts lately are just me being disappointed about things not working out the way my foolish heart would prefer. 

And it just feels gratuitous, life's not like a movie, you can't expect it to work out just because that's what happens when you love someone.  Reality is messier. 

I have started my course finally, and it's going to occupy rather a lot of my time, so hopefully it will be a much needed distraction from my own thoughts. 

The work is interesting, and I'm really looking forward to it. 

Love,

Abigail 

Re-Entry

The festive period was really a little bit intense even for a seasoned veteran like me, from the few days before new years eve until really only a few days ago there was just a flurry of social activity and shenanigans.

And it's only now, when I need to try and reacclimate to the real world that I have had time to really think about exactly how messy things got.

That's not to say that I regret any of it, but I really need to learn to listen to my own body a little bit better and stick to my decisions when I say no.

The excitement of hanging out with new friends, and meeting new people has a special kind of intoxication of its own, never mind all the actual intoxication happening on top of it.

We know by now that my truest joys are talking to new people, so it has been a very joyful month.

But now I am working out student loan paperwork, planning to move in with a good friend of mine, and settling into a study routine again in a little under a month.

I hope I can find a way to keep seeing the people I adore after that happens regularly, because I am smiling so much more often lately.

Love,

Abigail

Slipped Through a Curtain of Thought

Okay its been a week or so now, so I finally feel like I can write this one, and I just won't share it directly to Facebook since this is going to get a little bit out there.

Let's just say this girl, we'll call her Sabrine, who was most definitely just someone I know, had a very peculiar new years experience.  

And I feel like I should tell it so that nobody else ends up having to follow in her footsteps.  

What the hell, lets even see if I can write it like its a story. 
This is going to be disjointed and inaccurate, recollections of it are hazy, and I don't feel like pushing her to work it out.

---

Her day had been frantic and full of energy, trying to keep a music festival on track and somewhat functional requires a lot of people doing exactly what they need to be and at exactly the right moments.

So she had been doing her best to be there, but the time was rapidly approaching where she could at least temporarily become just another party goer for New Years Eve.

The last hours of her gate shift were a blur of hasty makeup application and drunken punters, casual chats while checking tickets, and chasing after people who couldn't follow directions and would disappear into the crowd before check-in was even complete.

It was just after 10PM when she finally escaped back to her friends campsite, just three exhausted ladies keenly looking forward to cute outfits and the ingestion of some substances to enhance the evening.

I am absolutely certain at least this step of her evening was dignified, so as they changed their outfits and she found the small strips of LSD she had acquired in the days leading up to the festival.

They were the off cuts from a large sheet of blotter, the very edges, and so the actual quality and doses were a somewhat unknown. And for some reason she had in her head that at the absolute worst there would be five doses worth.  So she swallowed it all.

Finally outfits were on, makeup was finished, and this squad of lunatics were somewhat ready to face the world and listen to some music.

And then it happened... it was not the usual slow build up of a slightly energised and anxious body, the subtle blurring of vision that takes an hour or two to really turn into a trip.  It was a kick to the face of colour, and sound. And it happened in minutes.  She panicked.  This was far too much for this soon.

Her friends had taken various other types of LSD and were both also remarking about how quickly it had happened, but they seemed fairly comfortable with their progression.

Sabrine knew that this was going to get a LOT worse, the thought crossed her mind to find some benzos now and terminate it before it could get there.  The last sober and sensible thoughts she would have for the next twelve hours, and it wouldn't be until much later that she realised she should have followed that instinct.

But no... you can't kill it before you have at least enjoyed it a little right?

"What time is it"

"11:50"
"Shit we have to go, its almost midnight, come on Sabs"  

Panic... the idea of being amongst all that light and colour was terrifying, the concept of walking enough to get there when the physical world kept blinking out.

"I don't think I can... I really don't"
"Yes you can, you have to, we came here for New Years"
"I don't think I actually can though"
"We'll fucking carry you if we have to bitch"
"You might actually have to...I just can't"

And with that they each took one of her arms, and guided her to the exit of the tent, past the treacherous tent strings and out into the world.

She had the overwhelming desire for sunglasses even in the pitch dark, as protection from the inevitable light, but also so that nobody could see how off planet she was... 

There were other people everywhere, apparently everyone had the same idea.

Miraculously they were at the first bridge... the arms around her were gone, but she made her way across and actually almost felt like she was in charge of herself for a moment.

The wall of sound hit her like a slap to the face, and she could see the glow of the light across the next bridge... along the path there were soft lantern-y lights, and the whole scene looked very tropical like a nice lagoon.  So she stopped.... unsure if she could deal with the actual stage area ahead of this, and enjoying the cuteness of this spot.

They came back and found her.

"Bitch we have to go we are going to miss it"

She could have sworn it was already past midnight, since a bunch of people nearby had stopped to say happy new year and hug.  But apparently not.

"Oh, didn't it already happen?"

"Shit.... did it? WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Well I guess, um happy new year then..."

Hugs... always nice, until your entire body feels like its made of some kind of glowing liquid.

And then Heather checked the time... 11:59....so stroke of midnight round two!

They walked, though she had no idea how, to the dance floor of the party.. it was a sea of people, noise, light, and this was still in the first hour... there were so many feelings and distractions, it was like being immersed in the entire crowds existence all at once but individually.

It was everything she expected and more, her friends were spinning fire on the stage, it was just a blur of flame and movement to some extremely loud music.

Her bones were vibrating against the glowing liquid of her body.

And she had to keep looking away from the blinding flames.

She followed her friends... they bumped into various people she knew, but was barely capable of saying hello to, she felt like she was scaring them simply by being there. She felt like she was scaring herself just by being there too.  She felt sorry.

Too many sensations occurring simultaneously.... panic.

"Sabs, shall we go to the Chai tent?"

She had no idea what that meant but she followed anyway...

There were moments of feeling quite together, and cute in her floaty dress and cute sparkling shoes.

Back across the bridge and its Gilligan's Island vibe... a little quicker than she'd like, over the slightly more troll vibes second bridge.... and a hard right into the Chai Tent/Safe Zone.

Stepping into that space felt surreal, its an enormous black tent, with a few sketchy pillows to lie on and some provisions for chai tea making and strangely enough a bunch of condoms, she worried about the people who come to safe zone to fuck... hopefully the condoms were a takeaway concept. 

She lay down, closed her eyes, and she felt everything slipping away...

The concept of self, the knowledge that she was lying on a pillow, the tent, and even her friends... it all floated in and out of her mind as she lay disconnected from it all and thinking.

The void was not empty... it was like her thoughts were taking physical form only temporarily and then disintegrating into molecules and blowing away on some form of theoretical wind.

She had no body, and no name here.  Just an observer watching as the universe unfurled itself in this unknown space.

"Sabs, are you okay?"... the real world came rushing back like a sharp breath in.
"No" she replied. And the exhale returned her to the other universe.
"What can we do to help you?"... inhale
"I don't know... I don't think anything"... exhale

The girls were flailing about, being surprised by the fact that they could stand, and then Rose managed to clip her nose on the edge of a hard pallet that one of the pillows was sitting on... who the fuck uses a hard surface in a safe room she thought...inhale

Commotion... exhale...

Nothingness. No molecules. No Sabrine.
The void was darkness this time, the dimness of the tent had stripped it of all the shifting colour.

The thought molecules were more like the exhales of her cigarette earlier, vaporous and drifting slowly apart and into the darkness.

Inhale... Rose was gone to fix her bleeding nose, Heather was asking if some other people could also come inside to chill out.  She thought that might be okay...

Exhale... fuck... other people, and their energy, what if they are really freaking out, what if she has to try and talk to them, what if they are angry, what if... what if... what if.....

Inhale... she stood up and walked out of the tent and started putting on her shoes, much to the surprise of Heather who had just told people we were fine with them coming in.

Her shoes sparkled in the moonlight, she struggled to get them on her feet.

And eventually Rose came back, and decided she would change her outfit a little, so they walked back to their campsite.

The landscape on that walk felt completely different than it had just ten minutes earlier, it felt twisted and alien, like it stretched out forever but her legs were taking giant strides across it.

Depth perception and spatial awareness were just words at this point, words that meant nothing to her anymore.

Finally, they made it back to the camp... she lay down... and returned to her other universe.

They started talking amongst themselves, she wasn't really following the words, she was drifting in and out of here and there.

They laughed and joked as people tend to in this state, but she wasn't in that state.

It all sounded so loud, and so chaotic, it shook through the other universe she was still floating in.

It burst through the thought molecules, smashing them away rather than drifting off on a breeze.

"Shhh", she attempted.

Which just invoked even more raucous laughter.

This went on for some time, it might have been weeks for all she knew at that point, but the other universe was less serene now.

Every time she tried a "Shhh" they would laugh more, so she learned to not say it, she felt the "Shhh" inside her soul aching to get out but knowing it would make it worse. It hurt.

She felt like she had become a monk that had taken a vow of silence to try and make it better.

As the laughter and shenanigans continued she tried desperately to get her friends to at least tone it down a little, she heard neighbours in other tents yelling for them to shut up.

A few tents away she heard a lady say "I am going to get up and deck that bitch in a minute" and her partner quickly ask her to calm down.

The tension, aggression, and the way the noise was shattering her strange bubble universe forced her to try and seek solace somewhere else, she somehow gathered herself up and walked outside.

The real world was there briefly, it was completely alien and incomprehensible but it was there.

She staggered forward looking for a quiet place, she stood and looked at the stars like brilliant diamonds covered in clouds that looked like they were made of silk.

It felt good to breathe the cool air, she found a log to sit on near an old campfire and managed to light a cigarette.  Cigarette lighters have a tendency under these conditions to stop emitting flame in her mind, instead they rather spit out a red coloured pixel which you must catch on the end of your cigarette.

She enjoyed the smoke in her lungs, and watched it slowly drift away as she exhaled... it felt like you could see it forever as it disappeared into the night. 

"SABS!" a voice yelled....
"Shuuuuuuuuut up!" another replied.

Somehow she managed to find her phone... it's screen burst into life, spewing colours and light in every direction.  1:23AM

How the fuck... how had so little time elapsed, how was she in this bad of a state.

Her friends appeared out of the darkness, but she was still unable to talk, her vow of silence had not yet worn off, it was like the only thing she needed in the world was complete silence.

She tried to smile, and waved them onwards.... they looked confused... but they walked away.

She sat there for some time, people drifting in and out to check on her, just floating between universes and staring at the stars.  It was getting cold, and she realised she had been here alone for too long.

And so she headed back to the dance floor... to try and find her friends.

Her makeup felt smudged, her fake lashes felt as though they were barely holding on, she was a mess in every sense of the word.

The walk was different every time, as though the world was reconfiguring around her every time she turned around, and yet inexplicably she found herself back at the fire dancing area with her friends.

"Should we find somewhere to sit?"

She fetched herself some water from the bar tent, struggling to comprehend the various sources of water and cups available to her.

She had decided that maybe some MDMA would help ease her out of this manic incomprehensible monster of a human she had become, scrambling in the pocket of her jacket where she had kept it, and struggling to get it into her mouth.  She swallowed them, and tried to follow her friends.

They walked slowly up the steep hill, trying to find a place to rest and watch the fire dancers from a safer distance, and enjoy the music without being deafened.  But there was no sanctuary, only more hill.

They reached the top of the hill, the tree they sat under was dropping leaves which she could have sworn were a swarm of bees, that she tried frantically to bat away. She felt super exposed and visible, like people could be watching their frantic states perched in a shrubbery.

There was no calm.  Only thousands of sources of stimulation slamming into her at once, the relative safety of the other universe actually felt preferable at this point. At least there were no bees there.

She pulled the hood up on her bathrobe, attempting to block some things out, to lower the sensory volume.  It didn't work. She flattened out her dress underneath her, trying to make sure it was not getting muddy or wet.

"Do you need to go somewhere else?"
"I don't know... I want to listen to the music, I want grass, and stars, and I don't know... I want a meadow" she said softly.
"What the fuck... a meadow?"
"Yeah y'know a serene patch of flat grass, farmlands, open spaces, I don't know... a fucking meadow"

The girls stood up...

Sabrine stood and almost fell face first down the hill, the girls edged their way carefully down.

And somehow in a miracle of self assured ridiculousness she almost skipped down the treacherous slope, past the people sitting by the fire pit and flounced her way through the crowd on the dance floor.

And so they started walking back toward the music, and remembered the Yoga tent which sits beside a stream, and near a bridge with a nice big flat patch of grass.

She immediately lay down, and glared at the silken clouds for how much they were obscuring her view of the stars.  She definitely couldn't really see them, but she absolutely could see them in those moments.  Her friends were wandering around again, she wasn't quite aware doing what, but she was finally happy temporarily.

The music was nice, it was all quite funky and had a lot of attitude so she just lay there with her knees up bouncing her feet and loving the whole universe for the first time in a very long time.

Exhale.... the other universe was a bright candy coloured world now, all lavish pastels and soft clouds of imagination.  Everything was sparkling and the colours were shifting in time with the music which she was still aware of.

Inhale... 

"Hey Sabs, Rose wants to go somewhere, are you going to be okay?"
"Sure"

Exhale...

She floated for so long... blissful and happy.

Thinking about all of the wonderful people she had met the past few days, thinking about the year ahead, thinking about the people she loved.

Sometime later...Inhale...

Slow drops of rain, darkness, her friends had gone somewhere and suddenly she became profoundly aware of how vulnerable she was.  Her dress had slid up because she had her knees up, she was lying on the damp ground, still not really aware of where she was a lot of the time.

And there were wasted men walking past constantly in full view of her, and so she was in full view of them.  Panic.

What could she even do if one of them came and caused her any trouble, words like rape, stabbed, and haemorrhage floated through her head. Panic AND dread.

She stood shakily, and rearranged her clothes... unsure where to go next, would they have gone back to the dance floor? to the camp site? She had no idea... she headed for the dance floor, security giving her a slightly concerned look as she floated back over the bridges.

At the fire dancing area she saw some people she knew, tried to ask them where Rose had gone, tried to ask them how their night was going, but they all just seemed so distressed by her that she couldn't stay long.

God, what do you do when you are scared, and other people seem scared of you.

She remembered her time on the log, four hundred years ago, a younger more at peace Sabrine.
The walk back was more casual, she floated, she skipped and she flounced her way back to the log.
And once there managed to check her phone, 3:17AM...she lit another cigarette and took a deep breath.

The rain had eased to a slight mist, she stared at the sky which was just a sheet of rippling clouds now.

Groups of people walking back to the campsites, and she still had her intense feelings of vulnerability, a group of men stopped to ask if she was okay, she said she was fine, and one of them had that familiar look of shock and possible outrage...."Is that a dude?"

Thankfully his friends quickly grabbed him, and dragged him away further into the camp sites.

She managed to find her phone, and message her friends...

AT MY LOG, NOT LOVING BEING ALONE, CREEPY WASTED FUCKERS EVERYWHERE.

She lay down on the grass and leaned against the log, trying to make herself smaller, and less visible.

Soon enough her friends arrived, and the world felt much better again, they lay there and she played some music to try and soothe their fragile little minds.

She found they could talk again, she was finally at that fun stage of an acid trip where you can talk absolute nonsense and laugh your foolish asses off, she no longer wanted to "Shhh" she just wanted to explain why her night had been so insanely hard.

Rose disappeared back to the campsite and bought back her gigantic Bluetooth speaker, and suddenly it was a party within a party by her log, a soothing girly vocal psytrance sub-party.  Which made her immediately feel a million times better.

Random people stopped to say hi and listen along with them for a bit.  And eventually a little after 5AM they decided they had been civil enough keeping the noise away from their campsite, they walked home... and it felt amazing to finally be somewhere away from it all, safe, warm, and able to relax.

Sabrine had refused to get out of her cute dress all night, through cold, wet, muddy, and generally dishevelled states it was still on.  And damn if it wasn't staying on, she fetched blankets and some pyjama bottoms and made herself a nest.

Eventually the friends and neighbours found their impromptu chill out party, and as the morning started she was surrounded by all kinds of people and in the midst of numerous amazing conversations with people.  Life stories were exchanged, jokes were had, all of those amazing things that happen when the MDMA takes over from the trip.

Slowly their guests drifted away to their beds, or to find other people and check on them, and she was left with her friends who were also floating in their own universes.

Things felt relatively normal again, but only from her perspective, for any normal person this was still definitely more fluid and strange than you'd call normal.

he rain on the roof of the tent slid down the canvas looking like delicious watercolour paintings...she sipped some nitrous oxide and felt the way it shifted the tone of the music, and intensified the visual effect of the acid briefly... it felt nice... she sipped again.

THE END (well the end of the most interesting pieces, the silly bitch went on to do several more days of this foolish nonsense, but those are stories for another time)

How To Be Attracted to Everyone

Happy New Year everyone! 

I really hope that you have had a most amazing festive season, and that you haven't found yourself in the numerous highly strange situations that I have.

So lets go back, to just a little before Christmas time, I'm just a feisty lady living the best life I can manage, and have somehow found myself in love with one of my closest friends, the same friend I've loved for years.  

It's just a crazy situation, and realistically can only end a few different ways, most of them not great.

But you know me... I am an optimist, Queen of the Longshot, and I like to believe that love is always worth having.

However, you also know that this is my blog... where things are never quite as simple as they should be.

Much as I really thought it might end up happening someday, and various pieces of evidence had hinted that I wasn't completely insane to think so, I finally had "the talk" about it with her.

And she told me that it couldn't ever happen for various reasons, it really hurt because she had decided all of these things without ever talking to me.  

I am a flexible lady, I adapt to the situation always, if I knew there were requirements I probably could have met them you know? 

But I hate the idea that I would need to convince anyone to date me, or talk them into it.

So as much as the no hurts... she is still one of the most precious people in my life, we talk about everything all the time, and I can't ever lose that.  

So I let myself be sad for a few days, and now I need to start thinking about dating again.

I had basically been emotionally unavailable to anyone else for quite a long time just because I had that tiny shred of hope that someday her and I would find a way to make it work.

And that brings us to New Years, I volunteered at a music festival and set off with a positive attitude about meeting new people.

It was all fantastic bonding time with my good friends, really good discussions with a lot of new people, and of course some peculiar shenanigans along the way that I am not quite ready to write about.

But what honestly surprised me the most, was the tail end... the after party, the bonding over food with the other volunteers, and the fact that I actually found one of those boys...

The ones I have talked about on Facebook whenever people have asked me about my sexual preferences, that only existed theoretically up until this point. 

The 0.0001% of boys I am attracted to.

He's just a gorgeous fun man to be around, and I found myself quite shocked to be so instantly smitten by him.

So we have spent a few days hanging out, and it has been really nice, I am just assuming at this point that we will be best friends forever.  

If you are my friend on Facebook you have probably seen my post about Alterous Attraction, where you could either love someone, date someone, fuck someone, or be their best friend just as easily, and whichever one happens you'll be totally happy.  That's basically where I am at with him.

And as if that wasn't enough, I installed Tinder just to see exactly how bad it would be in my town...

I matched with a girl, and we exchanged a few messages, but I really don't think my lifestyle and attitudes are going to match hers.  

I am quite open about the kinds of silliness I get up to, and I don't think she would approve at all.

But it IS nice to get the validation of someone wanting to talk to you, that you are theoretically considered a viable romantic interest.  And that made me feel pretty happy actually.

Where does that leave me.... honestly I have no clue, and I don't even care.

I'll just keep being me, and hopefully at some point somebody will just see me and think "That peculiar lady is fucking gorgeous and I want her"

If that person is you, be incredibly direct and just tell me, because apparently I can't read intentions.

So for now, that's it... its time to start getting organised for my study this year, to take my life a little more seriously, and basically switch into productive mode for awhile again.

My holidays have been crazy, but my year needs to be much more calm.

Love you all,

Abigail

The Meaning of Life

 Almost every year I end up posting something that is basically like an introspective year in review and state of the universe according to me post.  And this year certainly won't be any different.

This year I turn 42, its the official answer to the question of life the universe and everything year.

So do I have any answers?

Well a lot has certainly happened in my life, I have experienced some of the most extreme situations that a human ever can... I have had substance abuse issues, I've been homeless, I've been to jail, I've been abused both physically and emotionally, and of course I have transitioned.

And I have experienced some really amazing moments on top, I travelled and saw some of the most beautiful places on earth, met some of the most interesting people, and I have seen every single band I have ever truly loved play live, I met some of my childhood heroes, and I have loved and been loved a bunch of times.

So am I anywhere near closer to understanding the meaning of life as a result?

I mean I'd like to think so... I have a tattoo on my arm of a single German word, Lebensfreude, which means joy of living in very loose terms.  We all experience our Lebensfreude from different things, for a lot of people it would be family, or money, or careers, or gigantic boats, or climbing mountains.

For me the greatest joys I ever experience are conversations with people, whether its me and my closest friends on the top of a hill on a crystal clear New Zealand night sitting around a fire, or its a dirty little bar in some foreign city just chatting away to other travellers or curious locals.

I love meeting people, I love reacquainting with people, and I love just sharing the things we are all passionate about.  And in that regard I generally end up feeling quite fulfilled even when I have absolutely nothing.  As Troy in Reality Bites said,  "This is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks."

So where to from here? After spending almost two years of wasted time....

I have been accepted into my course for next year, which is the first step on the road to becoming a registered Counsellor, in total this will be the next four years of my life, and the end goal is to eventually be able to provide counselling for LGBTQI people on Gender and Sexual Identities, Substance Abuse counselling for people with substance issues, and general counselling for other people along the way.

I am really excited about that prospect, even if actually achieving it is going to be really hard given my levels of fatigue, my ADHD etc etc etc etc

Being poor for this long has been so hard, but running back to the IT industry would have been just as soul crushing, this is about doing something I love and will find absolutely fulfilling every day.  And giving something back to the world.

Any other goals Abigail? Other than increasing your levels of Lebensfreude?

Well.... I hope to save enough money to get my facial feminisation surgery within the next two years, which is going to be extremely hard work.

And I really want to find somebody to love me again, I don't like admitting it very often in real life, but I am quite lonely for that particular type of affection and company.  It has been SUCH a long time.
I am honestly not even sure I remember how to be in a relationship, but I'd like to find out.

Anyway, that's it I suppose, this years introspection out of the way.

So go and find your Lebensfreude people, find the thing that makes your little heart happy, and find a lot more ways to have it.

Take care everyone,
Love,

That Wise Old Bitch Abigail.

Whats In A Name?

It's interesting to watch how people react to changing a name and pronouns, there are lots of people now who actually met me as Abigail, and I actually love hanging out with them because to them there was never anything else.  They always get things right.

That's not to say of course that everyone else is failing, a lot of my closest people have actually done really well at adapting to the change, when they slip they correct themselves even when I haven't even noticed it.

But the ones who don't, I have no idea how to encourage them to do better without sounding like a massive bitch.  There are a few people who basically just loved my old name and don't want to stop using it even though they know it actively hurts me to hear it.

And some others who I think will always refer to me as he/him, it's like a tiny little cut every time it happens, and some days it feels like I could just emotionally bleed to death.

So if you read this, and you care about me please always use Abigail/Abby and She/Her when referring to me, it legit makes me a happier human being.

Love,

Abigail

Cycles

The thing a lot of people don't really get is that hormonal cycles are a real thing even if you don't have ovaries, we all have them, and for me they're sometimes really pronounced.
Right now my boobs are aching, everything just feels harder, I feel like my whole body is made of lead, things are annoying me more and I just feel like nothing good will ever happen again.

I know it's temporary right... I know things will get better because life itself is a cycle, things are always moving and changing, the chances that things stay awful forever are actually pretty low.

I have been trapped without much contact with other humans for quite a bit longer than the rest of my country, and all those people who fell apart after two months of lockdown? That's kinda how I am feeling right now after eight months of it.

And I am deathly scared of what happens once its done...

So here I am watching The Sopranos, its about as bleak and awful as my mood, so its working.

Thankfully this usually only happens for a few days.

But what the hell am I actually going to do from here.

Mourning and Tranquility

One of the hardest things about transition is the mourning, you mourn for the life you wish you had growing up, you wish you'd had those formative years in the gender you know you are.
You mourn for aspects of the life you had as well, I personally feel sick whenever I see my old name on things these days, but thats not to say it was all bad.

Watching old concerts and things tonight, and remembering all the amazing women I was with at the times that I saw them, I miss being loved, I miss being able to share things with somebody else, I guess im mourning the romantic side of myself that I have basically buried for the past decade.

And then on top of all of this I am also mourning the life I could have had if I had been diagnosed with ADHD much sooner, how much easier things could have been, how less frustrated I would have been, and how less likely I would have been to drown everything in drugs for so long.

Much as I am super sorrowful tonight, in general lately I have been feeling the best I have without hard drugs in my life.  Sure my ADHD meds do have a little dopamine impact, but its beyond that, its the clarity I feel, the certainness about things, and combine that with the steady progress hormones have had on just making me feel at home in my own skin and its a really unique feeling.

I guess this is how normal well balanced individuals feel most of the time.

A month and a half to go... and then I can see other human beings again, a friend recommended getting a massage and I think I am going to have to, if only for some human contact in a relaxing context.

For tonight though, I am just going to drink in the nostalgia, I am going to let myself be sad for all of the people I ever loved and who I never knew how to love properly at the time.
As a human being I feel like I have grown enough for ten life times in the past two years.

Anyway, just wanted to note this.

Love,
Abigail

Actual Thoughts on the End of the World

Quite a few of my posts lately have been fairly brief, barely more than status updates, so I figured I would try to write at least one that captures this momentous situation we all find ourselves in.

I'll freely admit that when we first started hearing reports about Covid-19, I basically just assumed it'd be like the bird flu or swine flu, and not much of anything would really happen as long as people were a little more cautious.  

But every week another cruise ship full of cases would dock somewhere and completely fuck any form of contact tracing... people throwing huge social events with guests who recently returned from wherever, just exploding cases in small pockets everywhere.

The response from the various governments of the world has actually been really interesting to watch.

Boris Johnson head muppet in charge of the UK decides screw having a plan let it burn itself out (on his own populace) and as he lay recovering in an ICU from the very thing he wrote off, 900+ more of his people died.

Donald Trump predictably had fired Obama's pandemic response team already, picked a fight with the World Health Organisation blaming them for the slow response, started monopolising medical supplies and pharmaceuticals so that he and his friends could make as much money as possible.

Game plan to prevent contagion? The Governors should handle it as they see fit in their states....which has had wildly differing approaches from next to nothing, to almost a decent form of isolation.  He then proceeded to remove federal funding for testing, limit the number of ventilators based on which states had said negative things about him.  And basically held the American people to ransom.

And in typical Scott Morrison fashion, Australia has been in a completely half-assed lockdown for awhile with no plans to ever enter anything like a full lockdown period.  People are still pretty much doing what they want, under the theory that a full lockdown would impact their economy too much.
The general advice on their response website was practice good hygiene and common-sense.

Meanwhile at home, Jacinda Ardern has been the leader we needed from the beginning, she implemented a full lockdown late March, and has progressively tightened border control to the point that now anyone coming into NZ must be quarantined.  Our numbers are looking great, and we get a daily pep talk Facebook Live update from her to let us know how it is going.
I cannot be more thankful to have a leader like her, she is kind, down to earth, and gets shit done.

So what does it look like? The world right now from my perspective as someone in NZ.

Aside essential workers, the general populace must stay at home and only leave the house for groceries, prescriptions or medical treatment.  So basically everyone is on home detention now.
At the supermarket you have to stand two meters apart, hand sanitise the handles of the shopping trolleys, and avoid contact with others.  I haven't actually seen that since I am still on my ankle monitor but Mum goes once or twice a week and I am super thankful for her doing that.

There are obviously still dickheads in the world, everywhere including New Zealand who flaunt the rules, and think they are being awesome.  They are not.
I mean I get it, be young and enthusiastic, maybe ya didn't stock up enough on yer drugs and alcohol before lockdown started.  But tough shit at this point.
Apparently we have a three strikes rule for this kind of thing, if the police find you breaching lockdown you get a few warnings, but continued stupidity will be punished with fines or jail time.

Mentally it has been super interesting to watch how much people have fallen apart, I don't know if its just because I have been on home detention or because I have essentially always spent huge chunks of my time alone, but it definitely seems like some people are not made for this level of isolation.

We are currently on week three, theoretically there is at least one more week of this, but I actually hope they give us another month for safety.

SO... that's kinda the overall situation in parts of the world and here, so how do I feel right now?

Well, I think a lot of us who have experienced trauma in our lives or who have dealt with anxiety and PTSD are actually somewhat familiar with this constant feeling of paranoia and fear.  So we are actually doing a lot better than people you'd expect to be totally okay.

I can't really do anything but the right thing right now, so I am winning by default.

But living in that crappy apartment in Germany where I felt super isolated, being in prison for a week where I was INCREDIBLY confined, and of course being on home detention right now, was all good training for this exact scenario.  Nothing has really changed for me.

I am spending a lot of my time worrying for my friends in other countries though, they are as close as family to me, and I have a lot of people in Australia, America and England which is why I mentioned those countries first for a little context.  Their responses to this have me genuinely scared for my people.

Still I remain fairly calm really, when you're used to complete turmoil and your world ending on a regular basis this is just the latest in a long string of these types of scenarios.

Now on to my usual updates about things...my estrogen dose just got increased which feels nice, its always amazing when I can actually "feel" it, I have had lots of breast growth recently for some reason which is super painful but also amazing, my ADHD meds have basically resulted in me waking up at 6am every day.  I wish I had something a little more productive to do with that time.

I have rounded up a bunch of resources for voice training, have organised my makeup nook, will be cooking my amazing chicken tortellini thing tonight, so its all productive stuff I hadn't been doing much of.. I just wish I had some work or study to focus on.  Oh and I have almost finished the Final Fantasy 7 Remake which is absolutely breath taking, I fell in love with those characters all over again.

Anyway, I hope you are all staying safe out there, be kind to one another, and look after those who need it.

The Apocalypse Update

It's a really interesting time to be alive, we always knew that a modern day pandemic would happen but this is the closest we have ever actually been to the kind of apocalypse people dream of.
All we can really do is be extra careful about everything and hope we make it out the other side relatively unscathed.

But now everyone is staying at home, this gives me a sick little giggle, now everyone is on house arrest.  And I am an old expert at this at this point, if you need to know how to survive this scenario the most important thing is to actually spend some time getting to know yourself.

The first time I was in any real isolation was in a dodgy attic above some grumpy old Germans, of course I could still leave but that time was really where I defined myself and learned a lot.
And in the past six months, I have only left the house once a week, so I am very much used to this.

So what will I be doing with my quarantine time? I think I am going to actually start working on my voice training, makeup skills, and generally stop being such a grubby old swamp witch that lives in pyjamas.

One of my nieces friends came over tonight, she's young and trans, and it just was like rubbing my nose in the fact that I am a feral animal in comparison.  I mean sure I have 40 years of testosterone to fight which is by no means easy.  But I really should be using this downtime to better myself.

Oh one other thing I learned because I checked how much my Australian superannuation had lost because of the end of the world, is that I could actually apply to use it for surgery - there is precedent for that happening.  I would have to be willing to say that being transgender is a chronic mental health issue which is fucking ridiculous but I'd be willing to take that bullet for the ability to afford one of my many expensive surgeries.

And the last update I have is that I have finally been diagnosed with ADHD, and am taking an extended release variety of Ritalin now.  It has been night and day improvement to my mood and mental function.  So that's amazing.

Um I guess that's all, stay safe, stay healthy and have a wonderful apocalypse everyone.

love,
Abigail

Dreaming

In the past few months I have been having the weirdest and most intense dreams.
But the thing that's been bothering me is how many of them have involved people I have loved throughout my life.

Some of them are really innocent just intimate conversations I never had, or reminders of why I loved them in the first place, and others are... More intimate.

I know I've been lonely and really feeling the lack of intimacy in my life lately, but this mental greatest hits of my mistakes is a special kind of traumatic.

Especially when one of them involved the girl who damaged me so much I've been basically single for the past decade.

I don't know how to stop this, and when it's the better ones I'm not sure I want to, I made a lot of really dumb decisions romantically in my life so these virtual second chances are amazing.

I think I'm going a little mad.

Love,
Abigail

Simultaneously Screaming and Crying

I'll admit it, I am currently lying in my room wanting to punch kittens, slash artworks, and generally just set fire to the entire fucking universe.  I don't have any one particular reason, it has been a general mood for a few weeks if I am honest.  Maybe it's being trapped at home, maybe its hormones, maybe its just the constant setbacks and disappointments.

I think under ordinary circumstances I'd be crying but with the chemical cocktail I am currently on, crying isn't really an option, so apparently instead I get to feel "burn it all down and salt the fucking ruins" if that is some kind of mood.

But at least one thing triggered me exceptionally hard today, to the point that I actually HAVE to write something about it, because I am fucking tired of it.

As a trans person all you can really do is TRY to explain to your cis friends what it's like to be trans, and hope that you find some perfect metaphor or philosophical scenario that actually gets them to understand.  

More often than not though it doesn't work, so what ends up happening is people are friends with you enough to respect your gender identity and pronouns, but in practical terms you will ALWAYS be the product of your genetics, and only in their limited understanding of them.

Boys have a peepee, and Girls have a vajayjay... that is all.  

And if you chop off your peepee, the secret chemical soup underneath remembers still, and you can't ever trick the chemical soup.

So lets cover some biology....most of you are familiar with XX/XY/XXY/X combinations of chromosomes, holy shit notice how we are already at four.... yeah it only gets more interesting from there.  

When you are nothing much more than a clump of cells the SRY gene on the Y chromosome can be activated and begin the process of male development.  But it is only the very start of a series of steps that need to happen to result in what most people decide is a MALE.  

And even that is a fragile state, you also have DMRT1 and FOXL2 genes which help keep that state in adulthood, if either of those genes ever become damaged...uh oh your gonads (that's fancy terminology for sexy bits) will actually start changing.  

So that's the kinda base biological on/off boy/girl mode stuff... its already more complicated than XX/XY..... and we haven't even gotten to the brain.

The common theory at this time is that the brain and the body develop their sex characteristics separately which can in some instances cause the brain to develop as the opposite gender likely as a result of hormonal fluctuations during the pregnancy.
On top of that the transgender brain shows numerous structural similarities to their cisgender counterparts, and even a few structural differences unique to transgender people.

And then we have hormones... which are a wildly chaotic mess even between individuals of the same sex, levels can change due to social activities and external stimulus, diet and behaviour.  

Any number of things can cause an individual to exist outside the spectrum of "average" male or female.

SO.... that's the biological stuff....links at the bottom for much more hardcore science on that, but the consensus from geneticists is that simply looking at XX/XY chromosomes is incredibly inaccurate, and when you start looking deeper than that there are actually a multitude of combinations which could result in a wide variety of differences in the genitalia, secondary sex characteristics and brains.

Moving on then....next we have gender identity.  

All the nice little social constructs we have convinced ourselves separate the boys and the girls.  This is where we enter the realm of the assholes who say that our gender identity is a CHOICE.

My gender identity was no more a choice than my eye colour, there is no possible way to explain this to someone with no experience of it, I have tried so many times, and here we are... I am still frustrated and angry.

But as a meme once said.... Imagine you woke up tomorrow morning, and everyone was treating you as the opposite gender, you know for sure that you are definitely not that gender, but nobody believes you and if you argue too much they might kill you.  

That is the day to day.....until we transition.... and then it just gets worse in some ways because we can't hide it anymore.

Genetics don't matter nearly as much as you think they do, there are two genes keeping your fragile masculinity together....and if they failed ya know what would happen? You'd start developing female characteristics and your brain would remain male... so I hope that happens to some of you, so you can FINALLY understand that this isn't a choice, it isn't a costume we get to slip in and out of.

Anyway in summary... your peepee doesn't matter as much as you think it does.

Or if you want a more serious summary from a real life geneticist:
So if the law requires that a person is male or female, should that sex be assigned by anatomy, hormones, cells or chromosomes, and what should be done if they clash? “My feeling is that since there is not one biological parameter that takes over every other parameter, at the end of the day, gender identity seems to be the most reasonable parameter,” says Vilain. In other words, if you want to know whether someone is male or female, it may be best just to ask.




Educational Resources:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-new-science-of-sex-and-gender/
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/voices/stop-using-phony-science-to-justify-transphobia/
https://www.the-scientist.com/features/are-the-brains-of-transgender-people-different-from-those-of-cisgender-people-30027
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/sex-redefined-the-idea-of-2-sexes-is-overly-simplistic1/

Goals For The Detained

I haven't written anything here in quite some time, so I thought I would try and outline some goals just to keep me motivated while I am forced to stay at home.
There is a bit of a tendency to feel worthless when you are unemployed, and to be trapped at home with really minimal socialisation even more so... so what are we going to do to keep the pep in my step?

One of my major goals for the year is to lose some weight, I have gained a lot since starting hormones and essentially lounging around in bed for a year feeling sorry for myself.
But I got an exercycle and for the most part I have been sticking to doing it every day.
Right now I am 91kg, and the goal is to get to around 75-80 somewhere.
This will become important at some future point for surgical recovery times.

I also want to quit smoking, it's the worst drug to be addicted to, and even though I know for a fact I can live without nicotine since I had to when I was in prison, that doesn't actually make it a simple thing when you are out in the world and can readily obtain cigarettes.
Does that mean I am a weak willed slug... yes... so I need to come up with a game plan to overcome that.

I need a job... but its EXTRA difficult when I need to explain my gender identity, and my criminal convictions.... like the already slim pickings in my home town get a lot slimmer once you factor those things in.  Especially given the ultra conservative mindsets of people around here.
If I don't have anything within the next few weeks I am going to HAVE to do something like online transcription just to try and get some income happening.

I want to write more often, I have ALL this time lately and I am wasting it playing video games and watching Netflix.  I have some ideas to write my life story since it really has been just a series of near misses and stupid decisions.  I feel like somebody somewhere should benefit from it.

So what else has been happening with me since it has been months since I last updated?

Well I have my official legal name change now, unfortunately updating the gender marker on my birth certificate is slightly harder so that needs to happen later.  But I have been running around updating my name with all the other crucial day to day things... its quite a struggle when you're essentially grovelling for permission to update gender marker even though my birth certificate says Male.

I didn't get into the counselling class I wanted this year due to my conviction, but I may be able to study again next year.  Kind of a downer, but I will be okay.

Anyway I guess that's kinda all the important updates really, you now know roughly as much as I do about my current existence.

Love,
Abigail

Medical Mysteries and Chemical Soup

I want to explain some of the non-gender related medical things I have been going through lately, because I guess they're on my mind more than usual at the moment.

In my life I have had several really serious concussions, when I was younger the doctors even told me that another serious head injury could kill me, so I have always tried to be pretty careful about getting clobbered by things.
I also had Glandular Fever when I was around 18, so I spent several months being exhausted and almost unable to move.

These things are important because basically since I was 18 I have been exhausted to some degree or another, and of course everybody says things like "Everyone is exhausted, get over it" but this isn't the gee I could use a nap variety of tired, its the limbs feel like they're filled with lead, getting out of bed is a struggle, standing up for a shower is hard kind of physically incapable of movement type exhaustion.

On top of that I have also spent my entire life unable to focus, with terrible short term memory, im restless and get bored really easily.  I start projects or work and just drift off into never finishing anything and float from thing to thing quite regularly.

So here's where things get tricky right... the exhaustion could be caused by the numerous head injuries I have sustained damaging a part of my brain that regulates that stuff, or they could be caused by chronic fatigue but who knows.... the focus and motivation thing could be either of those things as well.

So why is this suddenly such a big thing? Well most of my life I have just managed this shit with stimulants, whether thats excessive caffeinated beverages or illegal drugs, and for very short bursts of time that works... I can maintain a job, I can get things done, I can get out of bed.

But with a government monitoring device attached to me and regular drug testing, thats not actually possible.

The doctor has run lung and heart tests so far which were both clear, but I don't even know where to go from there.... I am seeing a psych about potential ADHD next year sometime, but until then I guess I am just going to be exhausted and a little dejected.

Love,
Abigail