This one's gonna be graphic, specific, and mention sex and genitalia so don't keep reading if you don't want to know.
Taking spironolactone (testosterone blocker), estrogen, and progesterone will eventually modify your genitals.... There's shrinkage of the whole area, erections are a little less erect, it's a bit of an experience really... And it can cause quite a bit of sexual anxiety if you're still using it for that.
But... The other changes affect arousal and orgasm, you feel things in a more whole bodied way, the orgasms are more intense and last longer, and the delay between one orgasm and the next gets much shorter.
It's a very different style of sex, if you can find the right partners that don't make you feel embarrassed about your changed genitals it can be really special.
Lately I've been so hurt, the inevitable panic and rejection by people I get close to that seems to happen every time I try, the state of the world becoming more openly hostile to trans people, the reduced opportunities, the self doubt and loneliness.... It's all so fucking much. And then personal loss and tragedy one after the other this year too. It's a miracle I'm still here.
So there's been all these thoughts of detransition, should I do it, could I go back to living a male existence and improve my situation. Dating would be easier, my health would improve, my job opportunities would be better.
And just to confuse things I had some truly fucking euphoric sex with someone I wish could be mine.
And it was only as good as it was because I'm on hormones, as a boy I never once had the kind of sex where I felt like I died, floated outside time and space for ten minutes and resurrected into my body unable to think.
Or where I felt so connected to the person I was with. Or where it was so easy to do it again immediately after.
I wish I could have it all, and that the universe could just let me win, and the world was a lot more kind. But it's not.
Instead I'm going to disassociate and let myself cry.
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