The Follow On

I guess it does actually all catch up, snippets of human affection from people who you can't be with actually aren't enough.  Sometimes its just safer to stop hoping and hurting yourself waiting for it to last more than a night at a time.

And I know I deserve better than that kind of thing, but its been well over a decade, and nobody has put their hand up for that particular task.  The loneliness is real, the anxiety is also real.

My last real relationship was in 2010, and it was a nice simplistic hetero situation, I have no idea how to find whatever I need to find now.  I am basically looking for that pan/bi/lesbian needle in the haystack that will love me for me, and I am trying to find it in some of the smallest most narrow minded places in New Zealand... it's actually really hard when all my friends are telling me I deserve better, or I will one day find the most amazing person to be with.  I am 43... being real there are not that many awesome years left to enjoy the early parts of dating people, traveling, adventuring.  At what point does it actually get too late to start over.

I cry at night sometimes, for the girl I wish I could be with, for the girl I wish I was, but mostly I cry because I want to matter enough to somebody again that I am where they want to be.

Waiting for happiness

It seems really silly to put your life on hold for some potential future happiness that might never come, if it were any one of my friends I'd tell them to stop being so stupid. 

But that's exactly what I keep doing really, because I love someone that just can't happen, and in my head I feel like I'd rather wait forever for that than try find something similar with someone else. 

It just seems so unlikely, I have basically loved this girl since we were dumb kids, and it keeps almost working out but not quite. 

And sure I should take that as a sign, or take my own advice about not being with people who need to he convinced to be with you. 

But it's just so different, and nice just enough of the time that it's hard to forget.

Anyway just needed to do the 3:15am vent, because of all my dumb feelings. 

Future Me

 So course is still going well, I am on placement with the Salvation Army in their Reintegration Service which is essentially helping clients who are leaving prison after a sentence of more than two years to find their feet in society again.  This mostly means finding jobs, housing, setting up accounts etc

It is a really interesting placement to get really, and lets me use some of my personal experience, so I am actually quite lucky in that regard.

So assuming I get all of my hours done and pass the last few assessments the game plan is to graduate mid-December, and then I will be moving back to Dunedin to continue my studies, three more years of this stress just so that I can be a registered counsellor.

But it does mean I'll get to see all of my Dunedin people who I absolutely adore, and I will hopefully be moving in to an amazing house with some people I have already lived with before so that will actually be fantastic.

Everything feels like it could actually work out, which is awesome and gives me that bright shiny glow of optimism that I feel like I have been missing a little bit this year.

I'm still more tired than I would like, some days its really hard to get up, or focus on the things I need to.

So I am hoping I can do something about that soon too, because I'd be unstoppable if I could get that under control.

I keep meeting amazing people, and sharing amazing moments, and it actually sucks that I won't be seeing some of these people so much for a few years.

So if you're reading this, I love you, and I won't ever forget you hehe

Love.
Abigail

Intangible Thoughts

I don't know if anyone has ever noticed but quite often I'll write a blog post as a way to try and process something, and then a few hours later delete it because frankly a lot of the time I feel stupid as a result.

I have all of these intense feelings that feel like ghosts, they're never quite all the way there, but I feel their presence. 

Most of those posts lately are just me being disappointed about things not working out the way my foolish heart would prefer. 

And it just feels gratuitous, life's not like a movie, you can't expect it to work out just because that's what happens when you love someone.  Reality is messier. 

I have started my course finally, and it's going to occupy rather a lot of my time, so hopefully it will be a much needed distraction from my own thoughts. 

The work is interesting, and I'm really looking forward to it. 

Love,

Abigail