Clean Slates

So basically this is the end and the beginning in a lot of ways, I deactivated my personal Facebook account last night after getting my backups downloaded, and that decision was mostly just around the kinds of feelings and moods that Facebook tended to cause.

As a transgender person we tend to see a lot of comments on Facebook which specifically treat us as less than the general population, we are discussed in terms of legislation over our bodies, our private lives, our ability to choose for ourselves.  A lot of those comments treat us as a problem to be solved rather than as individuals with lives, loves, friends and family, passions and dreams.

Its the same kind of arguments against people of other races we've seen before, the same arguments we saw on gay marriage and almost every other horrible period of human history where a minority suffered violence at the hands of bigots.

So every day, at LEAST once or twice a day I would see some comment which basically said I should die, or that I shouldn't be allowed to exist as a transgender person, that I'm somehow mentally ill and need to be cured or killed.  It gets really draining, even with all the positive posts celebrating being trans that I also see... for every hundred positive posts it only takes one of those spiteful people to really make me spiral.

And if you've been keeping up on all my other posts, it was also a place where I was constantly reminded of how much I have been hurting about the girl I mentioned, its really hard to try and move on if you are seeing them even virtually everywhere you go.

So here we are, its digital detox time, I figure I will try and write a lot more on this blog which should result in better content here that's a little more detailed than I could ordinarily get away with on Facebook, there will be less editing, and of course without all the memes and foolishness hopefully it will be easier to take it all a bit more seriously.

I think because I tend to be quite light hearted and silly, people tend to see me as somehow incapable of seriousness or that my feelings are never really hurt.  Hopefully this post should clarify, that I actually hurt an awful lot of the time, and the seriousness definitely happens I just haven't always been the best at showing it.  It's much easier to laugh than cry.

The other thing I am looking forward to is having direct conversations with people more often, rather than people relying on my ridiculous levels of spam on Facebook to count as keeping up with me, I hope they'll take a few minutes to actually talk to me occasionally.

I love my people, its going to be a strange and difficult thing to deliberately distance myself like this, but I really hope it will actually make me a better friend with more emotional energy to play with.

Lots of love,
Abigail

What time is it? Where am I?

So I recently started working as a residential support worker at a rehab center, and it comes with lots of night shifts.

It's a really strange thing to adjust to, sleeping during the day, awake all night and a weekend that happens on Wednesday/Thursday/Friday.

So I am feeling the loneliness a bit, since most people aren't available when I am anymore, even virtually really. 

I've moved to a new town, kiiinda have a room that works, and the job is actually amazing.  But I do miss my people, I made so many awesome friends last year. 

Such is life, I'm sure I'll perk up once I start getting paid properly.  And I'm visiting my home town on Wednesday to probably fall asleep on my hair dresser, and catch up with some people. 

Future Me

 So course is still going well, I am on placement with the Salvation Army in their Reintegration Service which is essentially helping clients who are leaving prison after a sentence of more than two years to find their feet in society again.  This mostly means finding jobs, housing, setting up accounts etc

It is a really interesting placement to get really, and lets me use some of my personal experience, so I am actually quite lucky in that regard.

So assuming I get all of my hours done and pass the last few assessments the game plan is to graduate mid-December, and then I will be moving back to Dunedin to continue my studies, three more years of this stress just so that I can be a registered counsellor.

But it does mean I'll get to see all of my Dunedin people who I absolutely adore, and I will hopefully be moving in to an amazing house with some people I have already lived with before so that will actually be fantastic.

Everything feels like it could actually work out, which is awesome and gives me that bright shiny glow of optimism that I feel like I have been missing a little bit this year.

I'm still more tired than I would like, some days its really hard to get up, or focus on the things I need to.

So I am hoping I can do something about that soon too, because I'd be unstoppable if I could get that under control.

I keep meeting amazing people, and sharing amazing moments, and it actually sucks that I won't be seeing some of these people so much for a few years.

So if you're reading this, I love you, and I won't ever forget you hehe

Love.
Abigail

Halfway

I haven't written anything personal in ages, the pressure of writing so much academically has been so draining.  

My best friend in class left, and that actually messed with me a lot more than I thought it would, she was escaping a potentially unsafe situation so I had to be understanding, but she was a great motivator to study and a kind ear for my day to day chats.

And then on top of that I've had ridiculous fatigue issues again so I probably need to go and get some blood removed.  That usually helps. 

But I have hung in there, I'm half way through, and we start our first placement soon.  I still don't know where mine will be, but it's exciting.

In other news, I asked a girl out, she didn't say yes but she said no in the nicest way possible. And it was actually huge for me to be that vulnerable again, it had been years.

Sometimes we just need to take leaps of faith and forget all the hurt. 

I might submit some writing to a contest. There's a decent prize, and it'd help me so much.

What else, hormones and meds are nice and stable, I have some breast growth again which is nice.

I also spoke with a psychiatrist recently to get approval for surgery, during that interview she told me I could actually get breast augmentation for free through the nearby hospital so I am now on the waiting list for that.  She is also going to give me letters to update my gender marker on my birth certificate and to give to surgeons overseas for my face and genital surgeries. 

Things are moving ahead, and I need to remind myself of all of this on the days where I feel stuck and aimless.

So there you have it, the key things that happened in my life for the past six months really.

Lots of love,

Abigail 

The Apocalypse Update

It's a really interesting time to be alive, we always knew that a modern day pandemic would happen but this is the closest we have ever actually been to the kind of apocalypse people dream of.
All we can really do is be extra careful about everything and hope we make it out the other side relatively unscathed.

But now everyone is staying at home, this gives me a sick little giggle, now everyone is on house arrest.  And I am an old expert at this at this point, if you need to know how to survive this scenario the most important thing is to actually spend some time getting to know yourself.

The first time I was in any real isolation was in a dodgy attic above some grumpy old Germans, of course I could still leave but that time was really where I defined myself and learned a lot.
And in the past six months, I have only left the house once a week, so I am very much used to this.

So what will I be doing with my quarantine time? I think I am going to actually start working on my voice training, makeup skills, and generally stop being such a grubby old swamp witch that lives in pyjamas.

One of my nieces friends came over tonight, she's young and trans, and it just was like rubbing my nose in the fact that I am a feral animal in comparison.  I mean sure I have 40 years of testosterone to fight which is by no means easy.  But I really should be using this downtime to better myself.

Oh one other thing I learned because I checked how much my Australian superannuation had lost because of the end of the world, is that I could actually apply to use it for surgery - there is precedent for that happening.  I would have to be willing to say that being transgender is a chronic mental health issue which is fucking ridiculous but I'd be willing to take that bullet for the ability to afford one of my many expensive surgeries.

And the last update I have is that I have finally been diagnosed with ADHD, and am taking an extended release variety of Ritalin now.  It has been night and day improvement to my mood and mental function.  So that's amazing.

Um I guess that's all, stay safe, stay healthy and have a wonderful apocalypse everyone.

love,
Abigail

What Happened?

I haven't written anything here for months, and that isn't because I don't want to, it's because I am honestly not sure where to begin, and exactly how much legal risk I would be taking to do so.

And I am really writing now because I don't want to go into this too many times more for each new person I tell, and I want to get a little more to the heart of things than I have been in person, I have a nasty tendency to make light of serious situations so here is a much better place to get honest.

I went for a visit to Europe earlier this year, and when I returned I made the worst decision of my life and bought with me a schedule B restricted substance, in fact I probably mentioned that substance in my entry about drugs (GHB/GBL)
As a result I was arrested at my border reentry to New Zealand, spent a week in prison, and am now out on bail pending my court case where I will be pleading guilty.
Before you all play Google lawyer, the maximum charge for that is around ten years, with my relatively clean criminal record it might be more like two years, so that has really changed my life in an instant.

So why would somebody risk something like that? As some of you know or probably guessed I suffer fairly extreme anxiety and PTSD at times, and GBL in very low doses does a phenomenal job of alleviating those symptoms.  In the past I was prescribed Valium but in New Zealand that is not prescribed and Quetiapine does nothing for me.
And I remembered what GHB/GBL were like in recreational doses, so tried some in sub-recreational doses just to see how it would go, and it was like a weight was lifted.

And of course that is a really problematic attitude to have, remembering that GBL was legally available in Germany I decided I would get some there and just bring it home.  Of course if you are going to risk something like that it's kind of a case of bring as much as you can.

So anyway, I was caught, with quite a lot of it.... and as a result I am no longer at university, my court case is on May 21st and life is somewhat on hold until the outcome of that.

I am doing everything I can to try and prove to the courts that I am not the evil drug dealer they think I am, that I am usually speaking an incredibly positive person with a lot to offer the world, and that this was an isolated incredibly stupid decision.
I have started seeing a drug counselor, and will likely spend some time in a residential rehab center, and then I just need to hope that its enough to avoid a very serious sentence.

Whats bothering more right now is my future, this is going to impact literally every area of my life, my transition and my ability to travel.  And I have no idea what to do once my sentence is over, I am going to need a lot of help over the next few years.

So that's the short version of events, I may write another post about my time in prison at some point as well because it was fairly traumatic and life changing.

In other news, I have started testosterone blockers which make me really sleepy all of the time, but have noticed a little bit of breast growth which is exciting.
I have an at home laser hair removal device which I am using whenever I remember to, I figure any amount of progress on that front is a good idea.
And I am going to start doing my vocal exercises soon, though I need to find a way to do these alone now since I can no longer afford or reach the vocal coach in Dunedin I had found.

Anyway, if you read all of this thanks, I just needed to put it somewhere I can point people to.

Developments

There has been simultaneously rather a lot going on recently and also nothing at all, I am currently on break from my university studies until around the start of March so there has been a lot of time to relax and get caught up on movies and video games which has been lovely.

And amidst all of that lazing around I have also been trying to find a place to live for next year, I went and saw an awesome share house with a really nice group of people on Thursday so I really hope I get that one.  And it would mean living with another trans girl which would be strangely comforting I think, to have one person I could talk to who would understand exactly whats going on, and who I could get some pointers from.

My credit card is finally paid off, that's a pretty massive achievement really, and hopefully most of my other bills will also be paid off around March if everything goes according to plan.

But first! I am going for a brief visit to Europe to visit as many of my friends there as I can fit in, and to tick the Venice Carnival off my bucket list, well at least to tick it off in "boy mode" and I hope to get back there in a few years to do it again in "girl mode"
So basically the plan for that is hire a gorgeous 17th century costume and buy a mask, go to a masquerade ball in a palace, and just soak in the gorgeousness of it all.

And as far as my transition is concerned I also started taking hormones a few weeks ago, at the moment I am on a relatively cautious dose of estrogen (25 microgram/24hrs patch) and so far no testosterone blocker but we are looking at revising that when I see her again in March.
I really didn't expect to notice very much so soon, but I was wrong about that haha.
I've been a little headachey which I think is just down to needing to drink more water, and thankfully its solvable with some paracetamol, I've been ever so slightly more emotional and crying about all manner of random things on TV, and then there's the tender breasts.
It comes and goes, but it's just this strange feeling of ache and tingle for sometimes all day, sometimes just a few hours.  While that might sound a bit disconcerting its also probably the most noticeable sign of change, so even though I mutter about how tragically painful it all is, it actually makes me really happy as well.

The next steps I need to take are reasonably straight forward, I need to expand my wardrobe of female clothes and I need to start my voice training, all of which of course requires a little more money than I will generally speaking have once I pay off all my bills.
But I will find a way, and in the meantime I will also need to practice some makeup skills with an aim to be presenting feminine full time from around mid-March.

So everything is happening, and nothing is happening, and I couldn't be happier about all of it.