The Meaning of Life

 Almost every year I end up posting something that is basically like an introspective year in review and state of the universe according to me post.  And this year certainly won't be any different.

This year I turn 42, its the official answer to the question of life the universe and everything year.

So do I have any answers?

Well a lot has certainly happened in my life, I have experienced some of the most extreme situations that a human ever can... I have had substance abuse issues, I've been homeless, I've been to jail, I've been abused both physically and emotionally, and of course I have transitioned.

And I have experienced some really amazing moments on top, I travelled and saw some of the most beautiful places on earth, met some of the most interesting people, and I have seen every single band I have ever truly loved play live, I met some of my childhood heroes, and I have loved and been loved a bunch of times.

So am I anywhere near closer to understanding the meaning of life as a result?

I mean I'd like to think so... I have a tattoo on my arm of a single German word, Lebensfreude, which means joy of living in very loose terms.  We all experience our Lebensfreude from different things, for a lot of people it would be family, or money, or careers, or gigantic boats, or climbing mountains.

For me the greatest joys I ever experience are conversations with people, whether its me and my closest friends on the top of a hill on a crystal clear New Zealand night sitting around a fire, or its a dirty little bar in some foreign city just chatting away to other travellers or curious locals.

I love meeting people, I love reacquainting with people, and I love just sharing the things we are all passionate about.  And in that regard I generally end up feeling quite fulfilled even when I have absolutely nothing.  As Troy in Reality Bites said,  "This is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks."

So where to from here? After spending almost two years of wasted time....

I have been accepted into my course for next year, which is the first step on the road to becoming a registered Counsellor, in total this will be the next four years of my life, and the end goal is to eventually be able to provide counselling for LGBTQI people on Gender and Sexual Identities, Substance Abuse counselling for people with substance issues, and general counselling for other people along the way.

I am really excited about that prospect, even if actually achieving it is going to be really hard given my levels of fatigue, my ADHD etc etc etc etc

Being poor for this long has been so hard, but running back to the IT industry would have been just as soul crushing, this is about doing something I love and will find absolutely fulfilling every day.  And giving something back to the world.

Any other goals Abigail? Other than increasing your levels of Lebensfreude?

Well.... I hope to save enough money to get my facial feminisation surgery within the next two years, which is going to be extremely hard work.

And I really want to find somebody to love me again, I don't like admitting it very often in real life, but I am quite lonely for that particular type of affection and company.  It has been SUCH a long time.
I am honestly not even sure I remember how to be in a relationship, but I'd like to find out.

Anyway, that's it I suppose, this years introspection out of the way.

So go and find your Lebensfreude people, find the thing that makes your little heart happy, and find a lot more ways to have it.

Take care everyone,
Love,

That Wise Old Bitch Abigail.