I'm always looking for a person to take those pains away and make me forget all the past hurt, it's actually a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to I think, and the fact that I'm so love starved to begin with means I tend to attach hard and too fast. I'm aware of it, but it doesn't necessarily prevent it happening
I'm really lucky though, I get a lot of platonic love and have so many truly amazing friends, they've done wonders at helping all those self esteem issues and honestly just keeping me here when things feel overwhelming and bleak.
But romantic love is more elusive, it has been literal decades since I've felt an honest version of it. One where I didn't feel guilty about it, or like it'd be gone at a moments notice.
Love to me is the person who makes me glow just by being around, who I can talk to about anything no matter how hard and be given an understanding ear or some good advice, it's understanding who I am and the ways I'll sometimes react. It's healing together.
It's sharing lives, being the person next to me to be delighted with when we are out on adventures, and lie next to me at 3am talking about our hopes and dreams. Being part of a team of two amazing individuals that just become better for it.
It's about challenging one another in healthy ways, and remembering how precious we are even when we fight, and never taking that for granted.
I just want to be seen and valued, I want my strange little soul to be all those things I listed for someone else. I want them to glow extra hard with me.
Most importantly though, I want someone who understands that kindness is a gift, who treats everyone with some softness, not just me.
Love is lots of different things really, and it probably looks different to other people.
But this is basically my self affirmation, so I stop getting lost so often.
Abigail x
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