Creativity While Banned

 So I received a Facebook ban for a few days, those who know me are probably a little shocked I'd never actually had one before.  But here we are, and because I can't post anything I am feeling pent up already hehe.

So I want to talk about creativity a little bit, because it can be such a mercurial thing for some of us, for me right now its the struggle of wanting to write anything while I am already expected to write so much for academic purposes and the eternal struggle of ADHD just not letting me.

But looking back on all the writing I have done is really interesting, I review my own previous writing once in awhile just to see how far I've come, what I used to do better than I do now, what I have managed to improve etc, and of course how much I have changed as a human since then.

A lot of my old fiction writing would fit roughly in the "transgressive fiction" category, lots of aggression, anti-social stuff, kinks, fetishes, drugs, violence, misogyny at points (ewww)
And I review it and just think who the hell even was I back then, but then some of it is awfully nicely written trash too, so I don't want to discount it entirely.

For myself the creativity happens when I have an overwhelming feeling I need to express, or if somebody asks me to write them something for a specific theme or purpose, or an idea I just can't shake.
And where it all falls apart is when I get too involved and can't just stop when it's good, I have to keep working on things until I hate them, and they might not ever even get seen by anybody by that point.

I love sharing, this blog has been an absolute life saver at times because its sharing without forcing it down people's throats.  The few regular readers I have will see all of it, but most people only see glimpses when I share an individual post.  It's like screaming into the void, if the void were recording everything.
But it does give me that outlet for creativity in sometimes quite concise chunks, there isn't the pressure to complete anything, there isn't the pressure of an audience I am trying to cater to.

But how do we spark creativity when we really don't feel it, when life's just a little too flat to want to explore our imaginations or express ourselves.  The answer is to engage with other people, they inspire us, they give us new ideas to get excited about, and they give us a reason.

At the last party I went to I met an exceptional human, and since then we share ideas and talk about all kinds of things that I haven't in ages, I think I have inspired her and she definitely inspires me.  And that's so refreshing.  And if you read this, I adore you lady, in the gayest possible terms, I think you're super neat... pro homo.  

So if you're stuck in a creative blackhole, my advice is to have heartfelt chats with somebody, be vulnerable, be honest, trust someone other than yourself for a second.  And pick up the laptop, pen, brush, needle and thread, popsicle sticks and PVA... whatever it is you do to unleash your imagination.

In other creative news, I also ordered some paint by numbers kits, because I found playing paint by numbers games on my phone SUPER relaxing.  So I want to try in the real world, hopefully its soothing x 100000.

Lots of love,
Abigail

Mourning and Tranquility

One of the hardest things about transition is the mourning, you mourn for the life you wish you had growing up, you wish you'd had those formative years in the gender you know you are.
You mourn for aspects of the life you had as well, I personally feel sick whenever I see my old name on things these days, but thats not to say it was all bad.

Watching old concerts and things tonight, and remembering all the amazing women I was with at the times that I saw them, I miss being loved, I miss being able to share things with somebody else, I guess im mourning the romantic side of myself that I have basically buried for the past decade.

And then on top of all of this I am also mourning the life I could have had if I had been diagnosed with ADHD much sooner, how much easier things could have been, how less frustrated I would have been, and how less likely I would have been to drown everything in drugs for so long.

Much as I am super sorrowful tonight, in general lately I have been feeling the best I have without hard drugs in my life.  Sure my ADHD meds do have a little dopamine impact, but its beyond that, its the clarity I feel, the certainness about things, and combine that with the steady progress hormones have had on just making me feel at home in my own skin and its a really unique feeling.

I guess this is how normal well balanced individuals feel most of the time.

A month and a half to go... and then I can see other human beings again, a friend recommended getting a massage and I think I am going to have to, if only for some human contact in a relaxing context.

For tonight though, I am just going to drink in the nostalgia, I am going to let myself be sad for all of the people I ever loved and who I never knew how to love properly at the time.
As a human being I feel like I have grown enough for ten life times in the past two years.

Anyway, just wanted to note this.

Love,
Abigail

The Apocalypse Update

It's a really interesting time to be alive, we always knew that a modern day pandemic would happen but this is the closest we have ever actually been to the kind of apocalypse people dream of.
All we can really do is be extra careful about everything and hope we make it out the other side relatively unscathed.

But now everyone is staying at home, this gives me a sick little giggle, now everyone is on house arrest.  And I am an old expert at this at this point, if you need to know how to survive this scenario the most important thing is to actually spend some time getting to know yourself.

The first time I was in any real isolation was in a dodgy attic above some grumpy old Germans, of course I could still leave but that time was really where I defined myself and learned a lot.
And in the past six months, I have only left the house once a week, so I am very much used to this.

So what will I be doing with my quarantine time? I think I am going to actually start working on my voice training, makeup skills, and generally stop being such a grubby old swamp witch that lives in pyjamas.

One of my nieces friends came over tonight, she's young and trans, and it just was like rubbing my nose in the fact that I am a feral animal in comparison.  I mean sure I have 40 years of testosterone to fight which is by no means easy.  But I really should be using this downtime to better myself.

Oh one other thing I learned because I checked how much my Australian superannuation had lost because of the end of the world, is that I could actually apply to use it for surgery - there is precedent for that happening.  I would have to be willing to say that being transgender is a chronic mental health issue which is fucking ridiculous but I'd be willing to take that bullet for the ability to afford one of my many expensive surgeries.

And the last update I have is that I have finally been diagnosed with ADHD, and am taking an extended release variety of Ritalin now.  It has been night and day improvement to my mood and mental function.  So that's amazing.

Um I guess that's all, stay safe, stay healthy and have a wonderful apocalypse everyone.

love,
Abigail