Remember Who You Are

I had a really amazing weekend for lots of reasons really.  When I decided to leave my job one of the last things I did was to book myself a night away in Wanaka, which is a gorgeous cliche alpine lake town in New Zealand.  I bought tickets to see one of my favorite musicians play with the sole intention of doing something entirely for my own enjoyment. 

It had probably been a few years since I went to a gig that I actually REALLY wanted to be at, so I drove up from my hometown with a friend.  

Stopped and visited some friends I hadn't seen in years, and had great chats in the Arrowtown sunshine.  Arrowtown is a super scenic former gold mining town, surrounded by cliffs and with a cute river running through it. 

Finally arrived in Wanaka, a bit later than I expected, checked into a nice hotel room that was probably less nice than I was expecting. 

Drank wines, chatted, did my makeup, got on a cute outfit and filled with anxiety went out.

It's always nerve wracking going out in new places, there's always the lingering threat of transphobic douchebags. And I am always hyper vigilant.

But anyway I actually had so many nice moments, girls in the bathroom complimenting my outfit, super wasted girls telling me they love me... Yknow the kind of wasted hype squad we all need occasionally. 

The security staff saying have a nice night girls when we walked past was nice little gender affirming euphoria. 

Dancing lots, which I'm generally too self conscious to do, but somehow opiuo always manages to get me to have a boogy. 

All the fantastic chats with my friend, random strangers, and the kinda blurry messes that happen by 2am.

A deep and meaningful with a stranger whose friends looked thoroughly over the fact that I had her captivated too long. 

And the inevitable freezing cold walk back to the hotel at 4am.

But all of these things reminded me that I actually love that stuff, I love meeting new people and having those huge chats, I love those nights that turn into days, and I really haven't done any of that in so long. 

At least not on my own terms, it's always gigs to support other people. 

It's Wednesday, and I still feel the afterglow. 

So remember, do the things you love, with the people you love, and do them as often as you can. 

Mourning and Tranquility

One of the hardest things about transition is the mourning, you mourn for the life you wish you had growing up, you wish you'd had those formative years in the gender you know you are.
You mourn for aspects of the life you had as well, I personally feel sick whenever I see my old name on things these days, but thats not to say it was all bad.

Watching old concerts and things tonight, and remembering all the amazing women I was with at the times that I saw them, I miss being loved, I miss being able to share things with somebody else, I guess im mourning the romantic side of myself that I have basically buried for the past decade.

And then on top of all of this I am also mourning the life I could have had if I had been diagnosed with ADHD much sooner, how much easier things could have been, how less frustrated I would have been, and how less likely I would have been to drown everything in drugs for so long.

Much as I am super sorrowful tonight, in general lately I have been feeling the best I have without hard drugs in my life.  Sure my ADHD meds do have a little dopamine impact, but its beyond that, its the clarity I feel, the certainness about things, and combine that with the steady progress hormones have had on just making me feel at home in my own skin and its a really unique feeling.

I guess this is how normal well balanced individuals feel most of the time.

A month and a half to go... and then I can see other human beings again, a friend recommended getting a massage and I think I am going to have to, if only for some human contact in a relaxing context.

For tonight though, I am just going to drink in the nostalgia, I am going to let myself be sad for all of the people I ever loved and who I never knew how to love properly at the time.
As a human being I feel like I have grown enough for ten life times in the past two years.

Anyway, just wanted to note this.

Love,
Abigail