I guess it does actually all catch up, snippets of human affection from people who you can't be with actually aren't enough. Sometimes its just safer to stop hoping and hurting yourself waiting for it to last more than a night at a time.
And I know I deserve better than that kind of thing, but its been well over a decade, and nobody has put their hand up for that particular task. The loneliness is real, the anxiety is also real.
My last real relationship was in 2010, and it was a nice simplistic hetero situation, I have no idea how to find whatever I need to find now. I am basically looking for that pan/bi/lesbian needle in the haystack that will love me for me, and I am trying to find it in some of the smallest most narrow minded places in New Zealand... it's actually really hard when all my friends are telling me I deserve better, or I will one day find the most amazing person to be with. I am 43... being real there are not that many awesome years left to enjoy the early parts of dating people, traveling, adventuring. At what point does it actually get too late to start over.
I cry at night sometimes, for the girl I wish I could be with, for the girl I wish I was, but mostly I cry because I want to matter enough to somebody again that I am where they want to be.
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