The Happiness Rebound

Let's talk about some specifics to the trans experience that you might not realise or have considered.

This one's gonna be graphic, specific, and mention sex and genitalia so don't keep reading if you don't want to know. 

Taking spironolactone (testosterone blocker), estrogen, and progesterone will eventually modify your genitals.... There's shrinkage of the whole area, erections are a little less erect, it's a bit of an experience really... And it can cause quite a bit of sexual anxiety if you're still using it for that.

But... The other changes affect arousal and orgasm, you feel things in a more whole bodied way, the orgasms are more intense and last longer, and the delay between one orgasm and the next gets much shorter. 

It's a very different style of sex, if you can find the right partners that don't make you feel embarrassed about your changed genitals it can be really special.

Lately I've been so hurt, the inevitable panic and rejection by people I get close to that seems to happen every time I try, the state of the world becoming more openly hostile to trans people, the reduced opportunities, the self doubt and loneliness.... It's all so fucking much.  And then personal loss and tragedy one after the other this year too.  It's a miracle I'm still here. 

So there's been all these thoughts of detransition, should I do it, could I go back to living a male existence and improve my situation.  Dating would be easier, my health would improve, my job opportunities would be better. 

And just to confuse things I had some truly fucking euphoric sex with someone I wish could be mine.

And it was only as good as it was because I'm on hormones, as a boy I never once had the kind of sex where I felt like I died, floated outside time and space for ten minutes and resurrected into my body unable to think. 

Or where I felt so connected to the person I was with.  Or where it was so easy to do it again immediately after. 

I wish I could have it all, and that the universe could just let me win, and the world was a lot more kind.   But it's not. 

Instead I'm going to disassociate and let myself cry. 

Mourning and Tranquility

One of the hardest things about transition is the mourning, you mourn for the life you wish you had growing up, you wish you'd had those formative years in the gender you know you are.
You mourn for aspects of the life you had as well, I personally feel sick whenever I see my old name on things these days, but thats not to say it was all bad.

Watching old concerts and things tonight, and remembering all the amazing women I was with at the times that I saw them, I miss being loved, I miss being able to share things with somebody else, I guess im mourning the romantic side of myself that I have basically buried for the past decade.

And then on top of all of this I am also mourning the life I could have had if I had been diagnosed with ADHD much sooner, how much easier things could have been, how less frustrated I would have been, and how less likely I would have been to drown everything in drugs for so long.

Much as I am super sorrowful tonight, in general lately I have been feeling the best I have without hard drugs in my life.  Sure my ADHD meds do have a little dopamine impact, but its beyond that, its the clarity I feel, the certainness about things, and combine that with the steady progress hormones have had on just making me feel at home in my own skin and its a really unique feeling.

I guess this is how normal well balanced individuals feel most of the time.

A month and a half to go... and then I can see other human beings again, a friend recommended getting a massage and I think I am going to have to, if only for some human contact in a relaxing context.

For tonight though, I am just going to drink in the nostalgia, I am going to let myself be sad for all of the people I ever loved and who I never knew how to love properly at the time.
As a human being I feel like I have grown enough for ten life times in the past two years.

Anyway, just wanted to note this.

Love,
Abigail