Worth Saving

In one of my old posts about love I mentioned that I have all of these really ingrained self esteem issues, and this week I've had some reminders about just how bad they actually are.

When the people in our lives that are meant to love us end up hurting us instead it creates this lasting impact on our worth. 

In my case it started with the physical violence from my father, and was made significantly worse by the emotional abuse in my last serious relationship.

So how do we feel worth again? The incredibly unhealthy option that most people with PTSD end up with, is we desperately seek the approval of others, and the people who matter most to us especially.  We seek love and approval everywhere we go. 

And sometimes that works, for awhile, but then any kind of perceived rejection throws us straight back to that original trauma... I turn into this sad suicidal hurt animal, I lash out, I get unstable, I hurt myself.

And I think I have finally reached the point where I need to admit that I can't go on like this, I need some help and professional support. So I'm actually going to look into practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy near me.

It's really hard to admit these kinds of vulnerabilities, and I'm actually scared of the idea of talking to someone honestly about it all.  But let's be real, I can't keep drowning it in substances or running away every time I hurt. 

So here's hoping I can work it all out. 

Love,

Abigail 

The Follow On

I guess it does actually all catch up, snippets of human affection from people who you can't be with actually aren't enough.  Sometimes its just safer to stop hoping and hurting yourself waiting for it to last more than a night at a time.

And I know I deserve better than that kind of thing, but its been well over a decade, and nobody has put their hand up for that particular task.  The loneliness is real, the anxiety is also real.

My last real relationship was in 2010, and it was a nice simplistic hetero situation, I have no idea how to find whatever I need to find now.  I am basically looking for that pan/bi/lesbian needle in the haystack that will love me for me, and I am trying to find it in some of the smallest most narrow minded places in New Zealand... it's actually really hard when all my friends are telling me I deserve better, or I will one day find the most amazing person to be with.  I am 43... being real there are not that many awesome years left to enjoy the early parts of dating people, traveling, adventuring.  At what point does it actually get too late to start over.

I cry at night sometimes, for the girl I wish I could be with, for the girl I wish I was, but mostly I cry because I want to matter enough to somebody again that I am where they want to be.

Future Me

 So course is still going well, I am on placement with the Salvation Army in their Reintegration Service which is essentially helping clients who are leaving prison after a sentence of more than two years to find their feet in society again.  This mostly means finding jobs, housing, setting up accounts etc

It is a really interesting placement to get really, and lets me use some of my personal experience, so I am actually quite lucky in that regard.

So assuming I get all of my hours done and pass the last few assessments the game plan is to graduate mid-December, and then I will be moving back to Dunedin to continue my studies, three more years of this stress just so that I can be a registered counsellor.

But it does mean I'll get to see all of my Dunedin people who I absolutely adore, and I will hopefully be moving in to an amazing house with some people I have already lived with before so that will actually be fantastic.

Everything feels like it could actually work out, which is awesome and gives me that bright shiny glow of optimism that I feel like I have been missing a little bit this year.

I'm still more tired than I would like, some days its really hard to get up, or focus on the things I need to.

So I am hoping I can do something about that soon too, because I'd be unstoppable if I could get that under control.

I keep meeting amazing people, and sharing amazing moments, and it actually sucks that I won't be seeing some of these people so much for a few years.

So if you're reading this, I love you, and I won't ever forget you hehe

Love.
Abigail

Actual Thoughts on the End of the World

Quite a few of my posts lately have been fairly brief, barely more than status updates, so I figured I would try to write at least one that captures this momentous situation we all find ourselves in.

I'll freely admit that when we first started hearing reports about Covid-19, I basically just assumed it'd be like the bird flu or swine flu, and not much of anything would really happen as long as people were a little more cautious.  

But every week another cruise ship full of cases would dock somewhere and completely fuck any form of contact tracing... people throwing huge social events with guests who recently returned from wherever, just exploding cases in small pockets everywhere.

The response from the various governments of the world has actually been really interesting to watch.

Boris Johnson head muppet in charge of the UK decides screw having a plan let it burn itself out (on his own populace) and as he lay recovering in an ICU from the very thing he wrote off, 900+ more of his people died.

Donald Trump predictably had fired Obama's pandemic response team already, picked a fight with the World Health Organisation blaming them for the slow response, started monopolising medical supplies and pharmaceuticals so that he and his friends could make as much money as possible.

Game plan to prevent contagion? The Governors should handle it as they see fit in their states....which has had wildly differing approaches from next to nothing, to almost a decent form of isolation.  He then proceeded to remove federal funding for testing, limit the number of ventilators based on which states had said negative things about him.  And basically held the American people to ransom.

And in typical Scott Morrison fashion, Australia has been in a completely half-assed lockdown for awhile with no plans to ever enter anything like a full lockdown period.  People are still pretty much doing what they want, under the theory that a full lockdown would impact their economy too much.
The general advice on their response website was practice good hygiene and common-sense.

Meanwhile at home, Jacinda Ardern has been the leader we needed from the beginning, she implemented a full lockdown late March, and has progressively tightened border control to the point that now anyone coming into NZ must be quarantined.  Our numbers are looking great, and we get a daily pep talk Facebook Live update from her to let us know how it is going.
I cannot be more thankful to have a leader like her, she is kind, down to earth, and gets shit done.

So what does it look like? The world right now from my perspective as someone in NZ.

Aside essential workers, the general populace must stay at home and only leave the house for groceries, prescriptions or medical treatment.  So basically everyone is on home detention now.
At the supermarket you have to stand two meters apart, hand sanitise the handles of the shopping trolleys, and avoid contact with others.  I haven't actually seen that since I am still on my ankle monitor but Mum goes once or twice a week and I am super thankful for her doing that.

There are obviously still dickheads in the world, everywhere including New Zealand who flaunt the rules, and think they are being awesome.  They are not.
I mean I get it, be young and enthusiastic, maybe ya didn't stock up enough on yer drugs and alcohol before lockdown started.  But tough shit at this point.
Apparently we have a three strikes rule for this kind of thing, if the police find you breaching lockdown you get a few warnings, but continued stupidity will be punished with fines or jail time.

Mentally it has been super interesting to watch how much people have fallen apart, I don't know if its just because I have been on home detention or because I have essentially always spent huge chunks of my time alone, but it definitely seems like some people are not made for this level of isolation.

We are currently on week three, theoretically there is at least one more week of this, but I actually hope they give us another month for safety.

SO... that's kinda the overall situation in parts of the world and here, so how do I feel right now?

Well, I think a lot of us who have experienced trauma in our lives or who have dealt with anxiety and PTSD are actually somewhat familiar with this constant feeling of paranoia and fear.  So we are actually doing a lot better than people you'd expect to be totally okay.

I can't really do anything but the right thing right now, so I am winning by default.

But living in that crappy apartment in Germany where I felt super isolated, being in prison for a week where I was INCREDIBLY confined, and of course being on home detention right now, was all good training for this exact scenario.  Nothing has really changed for me.

I am spending a lot of my time worrying for my friends in other countries though, they are as close as family to me, and I have a lot of people in Australia, America and England which is why I mentioned those countries first for a little context.  Their responses to this have me genuinely scared for my people.

Still I remain fairly calm really, when you're used to complete turmoil and your world ending on a regular basis this is just the latest in a long string of these types of scenarios.

Now on to my usual updates about things...my estrogen dose just got increased which feels nice, its always amazing when I can actually "feel" it, I have had lots of breast growth recently for some reason which is super painful but also amazing, my ADHD meds have basically resulted in me waking up at 6am every day.  I wish I had something a little more productive to do with that time.

I have rounded up a bunch of resources for voice training, have organised my makeup nook, will be cooking my amazing chicken tortellini thing tonight, so its all productive stuff I hadn't been doing much of.. I just wish I had some work or study to focus on.  Oh and I have almost finished the Final Fantasy 7 Remake which is absolutely breath taking, I fell in love with those characters all over again.

Anyway, I hope you are all staying safe out there, be kind to one another, and look after those who need it.

Medical Mysteries and Chemical Soup

I want to explain some of the non-gender related medical things I have been going through lately, because I guess they're on my mind more than usual at the moment.

In my life I have had several really serious concussions, when I was younger the doctors even told me that another serious head injury could kill me, so I have always tried to be pretty careful about getting clobbered by things.
I also had Glandular Fever when I was around 18, so I spent several months being exhausted and almost unable to move.

These things are important because basically since I was 18 I have been exhausted to some degree or another, and of course everybody says things like "Everyone is exhausted, get over it" but this isn't the gee I could use a nap variety of tired, its the limbs feel like they're filled with lead, getting out of bed is a struggle, standing up for a shower is hard kind of physically incapable of movement type exhaustion.

On top of that I have also spent my entire life unable to focus, with terrible short term memory, im restless and get bored really easily.  I start projects or work and just drift off into never finishing anything and float from thing to thing quite regularly.

So here's where things get tricky right... the exhaustion could be caused by the numerous head injuries I have sustained damaging a part of my brain that regulates that stuff, or they could be caused by chronic fatigue but who knows.... the focus and motivation thing could be either of those things as well.

So why is this suddenly such a big thing? Well most of my life I have just managed this shit with stimulants, whether thats excessive caffeinated beverages or illegal drugs, and for very short bursts of time that works... I can maintain a job, I can get things done, I can get out of bed.

But with a government monitoring device attached to me and regular drug testing, thats not actually possible.

The doctor has run lung and heart tests so far which were both clear, but I don't even know where to go from there.... I am seeing a psych about potential ADHD next year sometime, but until then I guess I am just going to be exhausted and a little dejected.

Love,
Abigail

Gatekeeping in Mental Health

So today was one of those days that you hear about all the time, I was having a conversation with a psychiatrist to try and do something about my anxiety.

The guy was bonding with me over my IT/general nerd things and I thought everything was mostly going okay... and then he tells me that I am doing my transition "RIGHT" because I waited this long and these damn kids these days think they're transgender and have no idea, and that's why they all end up killing themselves.

It's SO hard to deal with that kind of situation because obviously I was there looking for help, and arguing is not the best way to achieve that.

So I basically just sat there gritting my teeth....

Honestly I WISH I had the option when I was young to do something about this sooner, but lots of people strenuously object to the idea of young people transitioning, so here's where I stand on it.

If your child/teen insists for an extended period of time that they are a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth, and they frequently talk to you about that and want your help, then you should listen to them.  Visit a child psychologist who specialises in gender diverse people, and READ, read everything you can.
If the time comes that your child wants to transition you can consider puberty blockers which basically prevent them from being forced through puberty and being affected by hormones they don't want and the physical effects of those.  And that buys them the time to make an informed decision for themselves as an adult.

I get that its scary.... but the alternative can be much scarier.
The idea that people are claiming to be transgender, genderfluid or nonbinary to be "cool" is really fucking silly, we don't choose this.  We are this.

Love your kids.  Talk to your kids.  Avoid bad mental health professionals.

Oh and I guess just to kinda finish that initial story, I was prescribed Escitalopram an SSRI to help with my anxiety.  Lets see how that goes over the next little while, fingers crossed.

Love,
Abigail