The Consciousness Struggle

Trigger warnings for bleakness, nihilism, negativity and implied thoughts of death. 

I've been having some really weird existential angst recently, I'd say it's a crisis of the faith if I was religious.  Maybe it's a kind of death of optimism.

Having a chronic health condition means I'm trapped with my own thoughts just feeling bad an awful lot of the time, having ADHD on top of that means my brain is still way too fast even when my body can barely move. 

So the things that plague me I think are a combination of philosophy, science, hallucinogens, and religion. 

I think about the fact that we are born and given this finite lifespan to enjoy, and then suddenly we are dead... And it's not even as cheerful as nothingness or black voids... Because we won't even be aware of the lack of reality.  I've spent my whole life perceiving my reality, the idea of no longer doing that is really scary.  Imagining it fills me with a really specific kind of fear. 

It's one of the reasons I avoid ketamine and DMT now, because the editing of reality on those is so confronting. And especially with ketamine it often feels like disintegrating and very slowly reintegrating, it feels too close to death.

And then if we take things really macro scale there's the whole idea that the universe expanded outwards and eventually it will die too.  Nothing is forever, infinity is a joke, there are just some very large concepts, but they all have an end point eventually.

So I went to look for scientific evidence of where consciousness and perception come from, proof of a soul, anything. 

And all of my uniqueness just comes down to chemical chance.

I feel really nihilistic lately, if nothing actually means anything, and no part of us goes on from here then why drag it out?

And if by some fluke some part of us does? Why not just get to it.

No you don't need to be worried about me doing anything silly, but I could definitely use more love in my life. 

Lately I feel like all the people that mattered are gone, now it's just me and my sickness and thoughts. 

Love, 

Abigail 

Broken Hearted

I'm always broken hearted in one way or another, but as it turns out this time it's quite literally.

I have been feeling like there was something wrong for years really, I'd get a racing heart rate and out of breath doing the simplest things, and I have suffered extreme fatigue for most of my life. 

But this week I went to work and just felt awful, the fatigue was overwhelming. I felt faint, dizzy, headachey, and just all round terrible.

So I decided to go to the ER, and at least initially they gave me the impression they thought I was wasting their time, until they connected me to EKG. 

Probably the first time I've been all the way topless in front of anyone after transition, and it's a bunch of doctors and nurses getting really rough with my boobs, that was pretty violating.

My heart has been beating fast for years, anything from 100-150 while resting.  In the ER it topped out at 174 and all the doctors and nurses came running.  I definitely felt like I might pass out but they kept asking if i had chest pain, could I hear them, am I okay.... Which just panicked me more. They gave me beta blockers to slow me back down, and a bunch of IV fluids and stuff.  So thankfully I actually went to hospital not a GP as a casual patient. 

If I'd gone home and ignored it, I might not be here right now. 

My diagnosis is Atrial Fibrillation which basically means my heart gets trapped in a bad rhythm and beats far too fast.  Its been all over my family and killed my grandmother, and definitely didn't help my father's case. 

So I'm not sure if I mentioned it here but I've had the weirdest sense of impending doom for ages now, and this just feels like the beginning to me.

So the next step is to see a cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and possibly an MRI and CT scan of my chest, to see if there are any surgical procedures that might help, and how bad the damage has been.

And here's the hard part right, this thing fucks over healthy people pretty effectively. 

But I have an extensive history of drug use, a lot of which are reasonably cardio toxic, I've probably snorted my own body weight in stimulants in my lifetime, I've smoked most of my life, I've had more than a few bottles of wine, and frankly I eat like shit a lot of the time.

So I'm really scared of what those scans are going to say, the impending doom just feels like it's starting not gone. And I'm worried about them finding other things wrong in this process. 

These meds also seem to make my back pain astronomically worse, I've been in crying pain all morning. So that's another ER trip probably. 

On top of all of this I'm still having bursts of tachycardia (bpm over 100 while resting) and every time that happens I worry that maybe I'll get unlucky, maybe I'll just die doing something stupid at work or lying in my bed. Because let's face it they're the only two places I ever am anymore.

I'm scared it could all be over randomly, and I'll never be able to find my person, I'll never get to finish any of my writing, I'll never get to tell everyone I love them, I'll never get to show off the more complete version of me. 

And I cry.  I'm pre mourning myself which probably feels overly dramatic to some of you.  But I'm really really scared. Every twinge in my chest, feeling the pulse in my legs if they touch while I sleep, every headache and fluttery beat of my heart.... Just scares me.

And I know I'm completely powerless against any of it, so if it happens, the people I love should probably already know it.  I love you.