Go Where The Love Is

I've spent so many years either running away after heart breaks or running to wherever I think the love might be.  Just desperately trying to find where I belong in the world.

And I've wasted years of my life waiting to see if things would work out.

Right now I'm living back home and even though I have lots of friends here, I still feel lonely so much of the time. 

When I go out for a night out, its all side eyed glares and uncomfortable, if I dare to install Tinder it's the same four butch lesbians and couples looking for thirds. 

It's really hard being a demisexual in a small town, I bond with people hard, I fall in love, and then I end up sad they don't feel the same way.  I'm never as special to people as they are to me. 

So maybe it's time to repeat the cycle, pack everything up, and go where the love is. Or at the very least the possibility of finding it.

Where there are other LGBTQIA people, where i could feel less like some kind of alien exhibit for people to be curious about. 

I just don't know where that is yet.

How To Be Attracted to Everyone

Happy New Year everyone! 

I really hope that you have had a most amazing festive season, and that you haven't found yourself in the numerous highly strange situations that I have.

So lets go back, to just a little before Christmas time, I'm just a feisty lady living the best life I can manage, and have somehow found myself in love with one of my closest friends, the same friend I've loved for years.  

It's just a crazy situation, and realistically can only end a few different ways, most of them not great.

But you know me... I am an optimist, Queen of the Longshot, and I like to believe that love is always worth having.

However, you also know that this is my blog... where things are never quite as simple as they should be.

Much as I really thought it might end up happening someday, and various pieces of evidence had hinted that I wasn't completely insane to think so, I finally had "the talk" about it with her.

And she told me that it couldn't ever happen for various reasons, it really hurt because she had decided all of these things without ever talking to me.  

I am a flexible lady, I adapt to the situation always, if I knew there were requirements I probably could have met them you know? 

But I hate the idea that I would need to convince anyone to date me, or talk them into it.

So as much as the no hurts... she is still one of the most precious people in my life, we talk about everything all the time, and I can't ever lose that.  

So I let myself be sad for a few days, and now I need to start thinking about dating again.

I had basically been emotionally unavailable to anyone else for quite a long time just because I had that tiny shred of hope that someday her and I would find a way to make it work.

And that brings us to New Years, I volunteered at a music festival and set off with a positive attitude about meeting new people.

It was all fantastic bonding time with my good friends, really good discussions with a lot of new people, and of course some peculiar shenanigans along the way that I am not quite ready to write about.

But what honestly surprised me the most, was the tail end... the after party, the bonding over food with the other volunteers, and the fact that I actually found one of those boys...

The ones I have talked about on Facebook whenever people have asked me about my sexual preferences, that only existed theoretically up until this point. 

The 0.0001% of boys I am attracted to.

He's just a gorgeous fun man to be around, and I found myself quite shocked to be so instantly smitten by him.

So we have spent a few days hanging out, and it has been really nice, I am just assuming at this point that we will be best friends forever.  

If you are my friend on Facebook you have probably seen my post about Alterous Attraction, where you could either love someone, date someone, fuck someone, or be their best friend just as easily, and whichever one happens you'll be totally happy.  That's basically where I am at with him.

And as if that wasn't enough, I installed Tinder just to see exactly how bad it would be in my town...

I matched with a girl, and we exchanged a few messages, but I really don't think my lifestyle and attitudes are going to match hers.  

I am quite open about the kinds of silliness I get up to, and I don't think she would approve at all.

But it IS nice to get the validation of someone wanting to talk to you, that you are theoretically considered a viable romantic interest.  And that made me feel pretty happy actually.

Where does that leave me.... honestly I have no clue, and I don't even care.

I'll just keep being me, and hopefully at some point somebody will just see me and think "That peculiar lady is fucking gorgeous and I want her"

If that person is you, be incredibly direct and just tell me, because apparently I can't read intentions.

So for now, that's it... its time to start getting organised for my study this year, to take my life a little more seriously, and basically switch into productive mode for awhile again.

My holidays have been crazy, but my year needs to be much more calm.

Love you all,

Abigail

Intimacy

For the past year or so I have been really struggling with intimacy, there were times a decade or so ago where most people would have said that I was inappropriately affectionate.
But I haven't really dated or had anyone touch me in years now, and the last girlfriend I had to break up with because the pressure to be intimate was a bit much.

But its really starting to bother me because I do miss personal contact, and sharing my life with somebody else, and all of those other things that come with being in a relationship.
I miss emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy I guess you could say, but thats not to say I am completely anti physical, I just need there to be enough emotional first.

I get anxious even thinking about it though, all the things I used to love the most about the start of a relationship scare the shit out of me now, those first awkward conversations and the first few times you touch one another used to be so exciting.

I really hope I can work this stuff out sometime soon.

I just needed to get this out.

Love,
Abigail

UPDATE: fuck okay I would be kinda negligent if I didn't update this a bit after my last weeks owch fest, so basically on my way to go to court I also stopped to visit one of my close friends and stay a few nights with her.  And it was seriously the nicest thing I had felt in literally years, just being that close to another human being, spending time around someone, sharing in life.
But the double edged knife of suck that we all kinda know is coming, is that I have had the biggest crush on her since the day I met her, so for me it actually kinda hurt, because it was like this amazing preview of what that life would be like.  And so here I am again at the end of that, just feeling kinda empty, don't know whether I should talk to her or not, don't even know how to have those kinds of conversations anymore.  I am beyond out of practice at these things, all I know is I really really miss feeling loved.

Love...

One of the things I really struggled with when I was considering letting people know that I was transgender was the fact that it would completely change how I date.  And I think it's worth talking about really, it might help dispel some of the illusions that people have that telling people you are transgender is somehow just a phase or an attention seeking behavior.  On YouTube I have seen numerous comments about people being "transtrenders" which is probably an entire post on its own really.

But honestly, we are voluntarily reducing our dating options massively, that's no small life choice entered into easily.  OR we become somebodies sexual fetish which at least for me will never work.

So LOVE.... My entire life I was I guess a heterosexual man from the outside worlds perspective, and of course I was always a very sensitive soul who needed to find exactly the right types of lady to be with, all of my relationships were quite monogamous and intense.  And I had a desperate need to be loved.

When I moved to Germany it was at least partially because I had just undergone a fairly intense breakup and that is my typical response to fairly intense breakups, which is probably a pretty self destructive response but I am nothing if not a slave to my very intense emotional responses to things.
So there I was in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language, and my dating options were quite limited, I got very used to living on my own for the first time in my adult life.  And... well I feel like I have gotten stuck there really.  Like including someone else at this point would feel really strange.

And then of course it was in Germany that I first labelled myself transgender, which has somewhat changed my attitude towards dating.  I feel like it would be quite unfair to fall in love with someone and then expect them to understand my wanting to transition.  And finding someone who would be okay with it just seems so daunting.

But I have also realized recently that I deeply miss that level of affection with other people, I tend to fall in love with anyone who shows me any form of kindness at all, and that is hard too.  It makes it really difficult to determine whether I actually feel something for these people or if it is just an intense overreaction to something that I have neglected for so long.  But having experienced a few moments that were similar enough to being in a relationship really showed me how much I intensely miss those feelings, and that was just with one of my incredibly good friends.

I really want to be loved again, but I am also keenly aware that the people I have loved have quite often been the reason for me to stay firmly in the closet about who I am.  Because my need to be loved overruled my need to be me, and I just can't do that to myself anymore.  So I think I need to find some very timid way to step a toe back in the pool, find some regular affection where there is very minimal pressure, and not immediately dive headfirst in expecting it to be the last relationship of my life as I normally would.

It's a really strange position to find myself in, and I just wanted to document it, in case anyone else is feeling this way too.  And if anybody has any fantastic suggestions to resolve this, please do let me know.

And of course if that job description sounds like something you might be interested in (affection without commitment, a partner who will someday be a woman, and probably some complex emotional scenarios) then definitely let me know, and also you should probably seek some mental health advice because those would be some weird things to find appealing hehe.