One of the hardest things about transition is the mourning, you mourn for the life you wish you had growing up, you wish you'd had those formative years in the gender you know you are.
You mourn for aspects of the life you had as well, I personally feel sick whenever I see my old name on things these days, but thats not to say it was all bad.
Watching old concerts and things tonight, and remembering all the amazing women I was with at the times that I saw them, I miss being loved, I miss being able to share things with somebody else, I guess im mourning the romantic side of myself that I have basically buried for the past decade.
And then on top of all of this I am also mourning the life I could have had if I had been diagnosed with ADHD much sooner, how much easier things could have been, how less frustrated I would have been, and how less likely I would have been to drown everything in drugs for so long.
Much as I am super sorrowful tonight, in general lately I have been feeling the best I have without hard drugs in my life. Sure my ADHD meds do have a little dopamine impact, but its beyond that, its the clarity I feel, the certainness about things, and combine that with the steady progress hormones have had on just making me feel at home in my own skin and its a really unique feeling.
I guess this is how normal well balanced individuals feel most of the time.
A month and a half to go... and then I can see other human beings again, a friend recommended getting a massage and I think I am going to have to, if only for some human contact in a relaxing context.
For tonight though, I am just going to drink in the nostalgia, I am going to let myself be sad for all of the people I ever loved and who I never knew how to love properly at the time.
As a human being I feel like I have grown enough for ten life times in the past two years.
Anyway, just wanted to note this.
Love,
Abigail
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