Anxiety... but make it casual

I can't believe I haven't posted since January, I've wanted to so many times and just couldn't quite bring myself to write.

Anyone who has been following along knows that I've been really lonely and more than a little bit anxious about actually getting intimate with people.  

Sure, I fall in love so fast and so hard at times.. It's usually just me being hopeful that I mean as much to them as they mean to me. 

Lots of the time it's really confusing feeling like a really strong attraction that might be best friends, platonic soulmates, or future wife.... I tend to only really feel physical attraction long after I've decided I like a person's soul.

Anyway.... So all the romantic goo Abigail aside, I met a girl who is probably the most sexually liberated human I know.  Its a little intimidating even if I always considered myself pretty open minded. 

We got on, would hang out drinking, just bonding time... When she springs me with the "hey do you wanna have some zero commitment sex?"

It had been like six or seven years, and I feel really safe and understood by her, so I said yes.  And it was really fun, helped kill some of my anxiety about how things would work now and it was just really nice to feel wanted in that way again. 

We only had that one night though, it's not going to be a regular thing.  And it's actually really frustrating.  When you've gone that long you've just kinda given up on wanting it anymore.  You crave intimacy more. 

So suddenly I'm like dammit I want more.... 

I never even thought I was capable of unemotional unattached sex, so it's been a complex time in my head... Like I can see the appeal, it was really nice, but it wasn't meaningful and I feel like I betrayed my own profound longing for actual love. 

I don't like the idea that I could start accepting less than I want. 

But I'm also really tired of being alone and wanting more than I'll ever get from people, how many times can I end up hopelessly infatuated and hurt.  If there's a limit to that I must be getting close. Maybe occasional casual stuff could be enough to keep me happy. 

Right now, I've been spending lots of time with a girl I adore... And as usual I already know it wouldn't work.  She's not looking to date, she's pretty deep in no strings mode and has her own things to deal with. 

But it doesn't stop those smitten sighs of wishing it could, that somehow I'd be the right person and the choice. 

I'm so good at finding the people who can almost love me.  

Anyway that was the kinda core big thoughts lately.... Aside that I lost one of my best friends and don't even know why, I'm just being aggressively ghosted, and that's really hurt. 

My health is still in the gutter with no signs of ever getting better, which means I can't work, which means I can't escape this town and find some trans friendly community elsewhere. 

It's all a bit bleak and depressing honestly. 

But I keep giving tomorrow the chance to surprise me.  

Broken Hearted

I'm always broken hearted in one way or another, but as it turns out this time it's quite literally.

I have been feeling like there was something wrong for years really, I'd get a racing heart rate and out of breath doing the simplest things, and I have suffered extreme fatigue for most of my life. 

But this week I went to work and just felt awful, the fatigue was overwhelming. I felt faint, dizzy, headachey, and just all round terrible.

So I decided to go to the ER, and at least initially they gave me the impression they thought I was wasting their time, until they connected me to EKG. 

Probably the first time I've been all the way topless in front of anyone after transition, and it's a bunch of doctors and nurses getting really rough with my boobs, that was pretty violating.

My heart has been beating fast for years, anything from 100-150 while resting.  In the ER it topped out at 174 and all the doctors and nurses came running.  I definitely felt like I might pass out but they kept asking if i had chest pain, could I hear them, am I okay.... Which just panicked me more. They gave me beta blockers to slow me back down, and a bunch of IV fluids and stuff.  So thankfully I actually went to hospital not a GP as a casual patient. 

If I'd gone home and ignored it, I might not be here right now. 

My diagnosis is Atrial Fibrillation which basically means my heart gets trapped in a bad rhythm and beats far too fast.  Its been all over my family and killed my grandmother, and definitely didn't help my father's case. 

So I'm not sure if I mentioned it here but I've had the weirdest sense of impending doom for ages now, and this just feels like the beginning to me.

So the next step is to see a cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and possibly an MRI and CT scan of my chest, to see if there are any surgical procedures that might help, and how bad the damage has been.

And here's the hard part right, this thing fucks over healthy people pretty effectively. 

But I have an extensive history of drug use, a lot of which are reasonably cardio toxic, I've probably snorted my own body weight in stimulants in my lifetime, I've smoked most of my life, I've had more than a few bottles of wine, and frankly I eat like shit a lot of the time.

So I'm really scared of what those scans are going to say, the impending doom just feels like it's starting not gone. And I'm worried about them finding other things wrong in this process. 

These meds also seem to make my back pain astronomically worse, I've been in crying pain all morning. So that's another ER trip probably. 

On top of all of this I'm still having bursts of tachycardia (bpm over 100 while resting) and every time that happens I worry that maybe I'll get unlucky, maybe I'll just die doing something stupid at work or lying in my bed. Because let's face it they're the only two places I ever am anymore.

I'm scared it could all be over randomly, and I'll never be able to find my person, I'll never get to finish any of my writing, I'll never get to tell everyone I love them, I'll never get to show off the more complete version of me. 

And I cry.  I'm pre mourning myself which probably feels overly dramatic to some of you.  But I'm really really scared. Every twinge in my chest, feeling the pulse in my legs if they touch while I sleep, every headache and fluttery beat of my heart.... Just scares me.

And I know I'm completely powerless against any of it, so if it happens, the people I love should probably already know it.  I love you.