The Happiness Rebound

Let's talk about some specifics to the trans experience that you might not realise or have considered.

This one's gonna be graphic, specific, and mention sex and genitalia so don't keep reading if you don't want to know. 

Taking spironolactone (testosterone blocker), estrogen, and progesterone will eventually modify your genitals.... There's shrinkage of the whole area, erections are a little less erect, it's a bit of an experience really... And it can cause quite a bit of sexual anxiety if you're still using it for that.

But... The other changes affect arousal and orgasm, you feel things in a more whole bodied way, the orgasms are more intense and last longer, and the delay between one orgasm and the next gets much shorter. 

It's a very different style of sex, if you can find the right partners that don't make you feel embarrassed about your changed genitals it can be really special.

Lately I've been so hurt, the inevitable panic and rejection by people I get close to that seems to happen every time I try, the state of the world becoming more openly hostile to trans people, the reduced opportunities, the self doubt and loneliness.... It's all so fucking much.  And then personal loss and tragedy one after the other this year too.  It's a miracle I'm still here. 

So there's been all these thoughts of detransition, should I do it, could I go back to living a male existence and improve my situation.  Dating would be easier, my health would improve, my job opportunities would be better. 

And just to confuse things I had some truly fucking euphoric sex with someone I wish could be mine.

And it was only as good as it was because I'm on hormones, as a boy I never once had the kind of sex where I felt like I died, floated outside time and space for ten minutes and resurrected into my body unable to think. 

Or where I felt so connected to the person I was with.  Or where it was so easy to do it again immediately after. 

I wish I could have it all, and that the universe could just let me win, and the world was a lot more kind.   But it's not. 

Instead I'm going to disassociate and let myself cry. 

Developments

There has been simultaneously rather a lot going on recently and also nothing at all, I am currently on break from my university studies until around the start of March so there has been a lot of time to relax and get caught up on movies and video games which has been lovely.

And amidst all of that lazing around I have also been trying to find a place to live for next year, I went and saw an awesome share house with a really nice group of people on Thursday so I really hope I get that one.  And it would mean living with another trans girl which would be strangely comforting I think, to have one person I could talk to who would understand exactly whats going on, and who I could get some pointers from.

My credit card is finally paid off, that's a pretty massive achievement really, and hopefully most of my other bills will also be paid off around March if everything goes according to plan.

But first! I am going for a brief visit to Europe to visit as many of my friends there as I can fit in, and to tick the Venice Carnival off my bucket list, well at least to tick it off in "boy mode" and I hope to get back there in a few years to do it again in "girl mode"
So basically the plan for that is hire a gorgeous 17th century costume and buy a mask, go to a masquerade ball in a palace, and just soak in the gorgeousness of it all.

And as far as my transition is concerned I also started taking hormones a few weeks ago, at the moment I am on a relatively cautious dose of estrogen (25 microgram/24hrs patch) and so far no testosterone blocker but we are looking at revising that when I see her again in March.
I really didn't expect to notice very much so soon, but I was wrong about that haha.
I've been a little headachey which I think is just down to needing to drink more water, and thankfully its solvable with some paracetamol, I've been ever so slightly more emotional and crying about all manner of random things on TV, and then there's the tender breasts.
It comes and goes, but it's just this strange feeling of ache and tingle for sometimes all day, sometimes just a few hours.  While that might sound a bit disconcerting its also probably the most noticeable sign of change, so even though I mutter about how tragically painful it all is, it actually makes me really happy as well.

The next steps I need to take are reasonably straight forward, I need to expand my wardrobe of female clothes and I need to start my voice training, all of which of course requires a little more money than I will generally speaking have once I pay off all my bills.
But I will find a way, and in the meantime I will also need to practice some makeup skills with an aim to be presenting feminine full time from around mid-March.

So everything is happening, and nothing is happening, and I couldn't be happier about all of it.