Cycles

The thing a lot of people don't really get is that hormonal cycles are a real thing even if you don't have ovaries, we all have them, and for me they're sometimes really pronounced.
Right now my boobs are aching, everything just feels harder, I feel like my whole body is made of lead, things are annoying me more and I just feel like nothing good will ever happen again.

I know it's temporary right... I know things will get better because life itself is a cycle, things are always moving and changing, the chances that things stay awful forever are actually pretty low.

I have been trapped without much contact with other humans for quite a bit longer than the rest of my country, and all those people who fell apart after two months of lockdown? That's kinda how I am feeling right now after eight months of it.

And I am deathly scared of what happens once its done...

So here I am watching The Sopranos, its about as bleak and awful as my mood, so its working.

Thankfully this usually only happens for a few days.

But what the hell am I actually going to do from here.

Therapeutic Word Menagerie

I don't write as often as I actually should, writing has been my therapy for myself since I was about six years old and I really need to try and remind myself of that more often.

Anyway I have been going through some relatively simple and entirely complex things at the same time really.

So as most of you know I quit my job, moved cities, started university and I thought I had a pretty solid life plan organised you know? Get a psych degree, write some books, council LGBTQI folks...
What I probably didn't elaborate on was how I actually came to that decision, and it could best be described as the result of a serious head injury and a fucking ridiculous living situation.

I was working in a job where I felt incredibly undervalued, I was living with a flatmate going through her own fairly serious mental health concerns, and then to top it all off I needed to spend a few months essentially lying on my back with almost no stimulation.  So that was a LOT of thinking time.

So there I was lying in a dark room, with nobody but myself and my thoughts, and you'd think I had done enough of that in Germany being mostly isolated for a year.  But no...
And I basically came to the realisation I needed to be doing something more for my dreams, I needed to be taking steps towards my goal not away from it, and I needed to be away from all the things exacerbating my own depression.

And because I was depressed and recovering from a head injury, I did what I have been known to do on a number of occasions and made an incredibly impulsive decision to uproot myself and go chase the dream.  Relying on a LOT of things to work out in my favour along the way for it to work.

Here we are a few months later, and guess what... those things didn't work out in my favour.
Mostly monetary things to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars, which has left me even more anxious, even more depressed, and of course not really committed to my studies to the extent that I really need to be.

Shits bleak... this is probably the lowest I have felt in a long time, but simultaneously the most free I have felt in a long time.... so let's get to some of the better things.

My appointment with the endocrinologist has been booked, so on December 17th I will be seeing them, and hopefully soon after I can be approved for hormone replacement therapy, assuming they don't find any crazy hormone/thyroid type issues which is entirely possible given that I have felt exhausted my entire life.  Not the "Uuuugh Mondays" kind of exhausted most people feel, but rather the "I can't face getting out of bed ever again" kind associated with the glandular fever I had when I was 20 that never really ended.

But anyway, its a positive... things are happening and I am really excited about it.  It has made me think about all kinds of weird things.  Once I start hormones its unlikely my penis will be useful for much within about a month.  And to be honest I haven't really used my penis for anything much in the past six years, but just knowing that soon I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to sort of makes me want to go get rampant with it.  Like a disgusting genital montage, taking cute pictures by a lake with a picnic basket, scrapbooking memories of the peen, throwing a goodbye party like its going backpacking in Europe...

I probably won't do any of those things though, because any kind of sex that actually involves dealing with it is a bit weird in my own brain still..it has kinda been an issue the past few times I even tried.
Like there is a scrolling list of things making me feel uncomfortable going through my head at the time.  Penis... Stress....Money....Emotions.........and.....sorry I don't think this is going to work.

The other positive, is I feel really free, I think when you are so close to complete collapse you reach a really unhealthy but satisfying point of not really giving a single fuck about anything.  When bankruptcy is a very real possible outcome you can really just throw yourself at any scenario knowing whatever the outcome it won't be as bad as the potential shitstorm you are facing in the future.  It's fantastic.

More people than ever know about my plans, I have been really considering getting my name change out of the way as soon as I can actually afford to do it.  Just so that I have that extra step along the path covered, ticking a thing off a list for the endorphins, that kind of thing.

Anyway I guess that's all I really have to say for now...I am like the cat in the tree, hanging in there baby... and I will endeavour to let everyone know if that status slips much further.

"One could imagine a delight and a power of self-determining, and a freedom of will, whereby a spirit could bid farewell to every belief, to every wish for certainty, accustomed as it would be to support itself on slender cords and possibilities, and to dance even on the verge of abysses. Such a spirit would be the free spirit par excellence." Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, Book V, Aphorism 347