Worth Saving

In one of my old posts about love I mentioned that I have all of these really ingrained self esteem issues, and this week I've had some reminders about just how bad they actually are.

When the people in our lives that are meant to love us end up hurting us instead it creates this lasting impact on our worth. 

In my case it started with the physical violence from my father, and was made significantly worse by the emotional abuse in my last serious relationship.

So how do we feel worth again? The incredibly unhealthy option that most people with PTSD end up with, is we desperately seek the approval of others, and the people who matter most to us especially.  We seek love and approval everywhere we go. 

And sometimes that works, for awhile, but then any kind of perceived rejection throws us straight back to that original trauma... I turn into this sad suicidal hurt animal, I lash out, I get unstable, I hurt myself.

And I think I have finally reached the point where I need to admit that I can't go on like this, I need some help and professional support. So I'm actually going to look into practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy near me.

It's really hard to admit these kinds of vulnerabilities, and I'm actually scared of the idea of talking to someone honestly about it all.  But let's be real, I can't keep drowning it in substances or running away every time I hurt. 

So here's hoping I can work it all out. 

Love,

Abigail