I haven't written in so long, so here's the recap.
Heart... Still broken
Energy..... Fractionally better
Work.... I'm trying and probably pushing myself a bit much
Social life.... Nonexistent outside of work
So my little brother gave me a job that's office admin and some caravan repair stuff, it's pretty far from anything I've done before. But it gives me a chance to work without all the pressure my health issues cause.
And those pressures are as much in my head as they are in reality, I don't want to work and let people down in any of the roles I worked before. I wouldn't keep up these days.
This is like falling off the horse and getting back on it, only the horse is a cute little pony.
Having a job again has been at least good for my self esteem and mood, I can buy myself a few more treats than before, things feel slightly less financially dire.
The downside I guess is that living where I do, and caravan clientele being what they are, it's not exactly an environment where I can feel like myself. My brother does an amazing job sticking up for me, and I love him for it.
But I definitely feel like I'm dulling myself down a bit, being palatable for the old misogynistic homophobes.
In general this year i feel like my sparkle has faded, I've lost so many friends, I've dealt with cliquey bullshit, and had to try and get used to the idea that I'm all on my own.
It's like I've been putting myself back in a box.
On the upsides, I'm getting lots more daily exercise at work, I'm eating way more consciously, I'm taking vitamins and meds.
I physically feel better than I have in a long time, even if my heart rate still floats around 150bpm most days.
I feel like I'm always complaining about lack of intimacy and closeness in my life, but this year has really hurt.
So uh my birthday lessons this year? Take care of what you have, whether it's your body, your friends, your identity.... Anything you value.
Love,
Abby
No comments:
Post a Comment