Future Me

 So course is still going well, I am on placement with the Salvation Army in their Reintegration Service which is essentially helping clients who are leaving prison after a sentence of more than two years to find their feet in society again.  This mostly means finding jobs, housing, setting up accounts etc

It is a really interesting placement to get really, and lets me use some of my personal experience, so I am actually quite lucky in that regard.

So assuming I get all of my hours done and pass the last few assessments the game plan is to graduate mid-December, and then I will be moving back to Dunedin to continue my studies, three more years of this stress just so that I can be a registered counsellor.

But it does mean I'll get to see all of my Dunedin people who I absolutely adore, and I will hopefully be moving in to an amazing house with some people I have already lived with before so that will actually be fantastic.

Everything feels like it could actually work out, which is awesome and gives me that bright shiny glow of optimism that I feel like I have been missing a little bit this year.

I'm still more tired than I would like, some days its really hard to get up, or focus on the things I need to.

So I am hoping I can do something about that soon too, because I'd be unstoppable if I could get that under control.

I keep meeting amazing people, and sharing amazing moments, and it actually sucks that I won't be seeing some of these people so much for a few years.

So if you're reading this, I love you, and I won't ever forget you hehe

Love.
Abigail

Halfway

I haven't written anything personal in ages, the pressure of writing so much academically has been so draining.  

My best friend in class left, and that actually messed with me a lot more than I thought it would, she was escaping a potentially unsafe situation so I had to be understanding, but she was a great motivator to study and a kind ear for my day to day chats.

And then on top of that I've had ridiculous fatigue issues again so I probably need to go and get some blood removed.  That usually helps. 

But I have hung in there, I'm half way through, and we start our first placement soon.  I still don't know where mine will be, but it's exciting.

In other news, I asked a girl out, she didn't say yes but she said no in the nicest way possible. And it was actually huge for me to be that vulnerable again, it had been years.

Sometimes we just need to take leaps of faith and forget all the hurt. 

I might submit some writing to a contest. There's a decent prize, and it'd help me so much.

What else, hormones and meds are nice and stable, I have some breast growth again which is nice.

I also spoke with a psychiatrist recently to get approval for surgery, during that interview she told me I could actually get breast augmentation for free through the nearby hospital so I am now on the waiting list for that.  She is also going to give me letters to update my gender marker on my birth certificate and to give to surgeons overseas for my face and genital surgeries. 

Things are moving ahead, and I need to remind myself of all of this on the days where I feel stuck and aimless.

So there you have it, the key things that happened in my life for the past six months really.

Lots of love,

Abigail 

Medical Mysteries and Chemical Soup

I want to explain some of the non-gender related medical things I have been going through lately, because I guess they're on my mind more than usual at the moment.

In my life I have had several really serious concussions, when I was younger the doctors even told me that another serious head injury could kill me, so I have always tried to be pretty careful about getting clobbered by things.
I also had Glandular Fever when I was around 18, so I spent several months being exhausted and almost unable to move.

These things are important because basically since I was 18 I have been exhausted to some degree or another, and of course everybody says things like "Everyone is exhausted, get over it" but this isn't the gee I could use a nap variety of tired, its the limbs feel like they're filled with lead, getting out of bed is a struggle, standing up for a shower is hard kind of physically incapable of movement type exhaustion.

On top of that I have also spent my entire life unable to focus, with terrible short term memory, im restless and get bored really easily.  I start projects or work and just drift off into never finishing anything and float from thing to thing quite regularly.

So here's where things get tricky right... the exhaustion could be caused by the numerous head injuries I have sustained damaging a part of my brain that regulates that stuff, or they could be caused by chronic fatigue but who knows.... the focus and motivation thing could be either of those things as well.

So why is this suddenly such a big thing? Well most of my life I have just managed this shit with stimulants, whether thats excessive caffeinated beverages or illegal drugs, and for very short bursts of time that works... I can maintain a job, I can get things done, I can get out of bed.

But with a government monitoring device attached to me and regular drug testing, thats not actually possible.

The doctor has run lung and heart tests so far which were both clear, but I don't even know where to go from there.... I am seeing a psych about potential ADHD next year sometime, but until then I guess I am just going to be exhausted and a little dejected.

Love,
Abigail