But Wait.... The Doom!

So the universe actually listened, I've spent a few weeks being cuddled by my gorgeous friend, girlfriend now actually. 

I've also been sick with the longest flu I've ever had, but she's been taking care of me and I've been trying to take care of her.  Which has been so nice, I'm used to struggling on my own. 

Theres definitely still part of me that's waiting for some inevitable doom, like when and how will this niceness be taken from me... 

Will she panic and run away, will our varying traumas and mental health issues drive us apart, will her parents kidnap her and throw her in conversion therapy.... She has a tendency to catastrophize a bit, but what she doesn't realise is I do too.  I am just quieter about it and hope for the best.

We are planning on moving in together soon, but in the mean time we are trapped in this weird limbo where she's living out of suitcases and between my bedroom and our friends house. 

I know it wears on her a lot, and I wish I could fix it all for us. 

So anyway, that's the update, I'm simultaneously over the moon and kinda stressed.   So hey universe, for your second miracle can you find a way to get us our own little nest. 

Love, 

Abigail 

The Happiness Rebound

Let's talk about some specifics to the trans experience that you might not realise or have considered.

This one's gonna be graphic, specific, and mention sex and genitalia so don't keep reading if you don't want to know. 

Taking spironolactone (testosterone blocker), estrogen, and progesterone will eventually modify your genitals.... There's shrinkage of the whole area, erections are a little less erect, it's a bit of an experience really... And it can cause quite a bit of sexual anxiety if you're still using it for that.

But... The other changes affect arousal and orgasm, you feel things in a more whole bodied way, the orgasms are more intense and last longer, and the delay between one orgasm and the next gets much shorter. 

It's a very different style of sex, if you can find the right partners that don't make you feel embarrassed about your changed genitals it can be really special.

Lately I've been so hurt, the inevitable panic and rejection by people I get close to that seems to happen every time I try, the state of the world becoming more openly hostile to trans people, the reduced opportunities, the self doubt and loneliness.... It's all so fucking much.  And then personal loss and tragedy one after the other this year too.  It's a miracle I'm still here. 

So there's been all these thoughts of detransition, should I do it, could I go back to living a male existence and improve my situation.  Dating would be easier, my health would improve, my job opportunities would be better. 

And just to confuse things I had some truly fucking euphoric sex with someone I wish could be mine.

And it was only as good as it was because I'm on hormones, as a boy I never once had the kind of sex where I felt like I died, floated outside time and space for ten minutes and resurrected into my body unable to think. 

Or where I felt so connected to the person I was with.  Or where it was so easy to do it again immediately after. 

I wish I could have it all, and that the universe could just let me win, and the world was a lot more kind.   But it's not. 

Instead I'm going to disassociate and let myself cry. 

In Rhythm With My Broken Heart

Haven't written anything since February, but looking back on it, that was a pretty bleak post really.  So let's try it again, it's not my birthday post but it's pretty close.

Since last time, I finally saw a for real cardiologist, and wouldn't you know it, an actual expert knew a few things and had a few ideas to help me.  So now I'm on an anti arrythmic, and my heart rate has been stable for months now.  And with it my energy has come back a little bit, not enough to be scampering about like I used to.  But enough that I can drag myself out of the house and socialise now and again. 

And to fix some of the repressing of myself I've been making an active effort to be a little bit extra on the weekends.

As usual my relationships are chaotic nonsense.... Feeling confusingly into one of my friends as I almost always am, but at least not one who lives down here, just a beautiful kindred spirit I adore. 

I'm not even sure how to not end up crushing on the people I bond with honestly, it's like if there's a closeness and ease of conversation with someone, and a smidge of physical attraction that's really all it takes. 

And I'm sure it's not always very healthy, but I also don't know that I'd want it to stop. 

Not sure how things will end up, on any regard really, but figured I'd at least show some kind of sign of life. 

Love,

Abigail 

Losing The Sparkle

I didn't even write my yearly birthday post last year, so I guess this can kinda sit in it's place.

I haven't written in so long, so here's the recap. 

Heart... Still broken

Energy..... Fractionally better

Work.... I'm trying and probably pushing myself a bit much 

Social life.... Nonexistent outside of work

So my little brother gave me a job that's office admin and some caravan repair stuff, it's pretty far from anything I've done before.  But it gives me a chance to work without all the pressure my health issues cause. 

And those pressures are as much in my head as they are in reality, I don't want to work and let people down in any of the roles I worked before.  I wouldn't keep up these days. 

This is like falling off the horse and getting back on it, only the horse is a cute little pony. 

Having a job again has been at least good for my self esteem and mood, I can buy myself a few more treats than before, things feel slightly less financially dire. 

The downside I guess is that living where I do, and caravan clientele being what they are, it's not exactly an environment where I can feel like myself.  My brother does an amazing job sticking up for me, and I love him for it. 

But I definitely feel like I'm dulling myself down a bit, being palatable for the old misogynistic homophobes. 

In general this year i feel like my sparkle has faded, I've lost so many friends, I've dealt with cliquey bullshit, and had to try and get used to the idea that I'm all on my own. 

It's like I've been putting myself back in a box. 

On the upsides, I'm getting lots more daily exercise at work, I'm eating way more consciously, I'm taking vitamins and meds. 

I physically feel better than I have in a long time, even if my heart rate still floats around 150bpm most days. 

I feel like I'm always complaining about lack of intimacy and closeness in my life, but this year has really hurt. 

So uh my birthday lessons this year? Take care of what you have, whether it's your body, your friends, your identity.... Anything you value.

Love, 

Abby

The Consciousness Struggle

Trigger warnings for bleakness, nihilism, negativity and implied thoughts of death. 

I've been having some really weird existential angst recently, I'd say it's a crisis of the faith if I was religious.  Maybe it's a kind of death of optimism.

Having a chronic health condition means I'm trapped with my own thoughts just feeling bad an awful lot of the time, having ADHD on top of that means my brain is still way too fast even when my body can barely move. 

So the things that plague me I think are a combination of philosophy, science, hallucinogens, and religion. 

I think about the fact that we are born and given this finite lifespan to enjoy, and then suddenly we are dead... And it's not even as cheerful as nothingness or black voids... Because we won't even be aware of the lack of reality.  I've spent my whole life perceiving my reality, the idea of no longer doing that is really scary.  Imagining it fills me with a really specific kind of fear. 

It's one of the reasons I avoid ketamine and DMT now, because the editing of reality on those is so confronting. And especially with ketamine it often feels like disintegrating and very slowly reintegrating, it feels too close to death.

And then if we take things really macro scale there's the whole idea that the universe expanded outwards and eventually it will die too.  Nothing is forever, infinity is a joke, there are just some very large concepts, but they all have an end point eventually.

So I went to look for scientific evidence of where consciousness and perception come from, proof of a soul, anything. 

And all of my uniqueness just comes down to chemical chance.

I feel really nihilistic lately, if nothing actually means anything, and no part of us goes on from here then why drag it out?

And if by some fluke some part of us does? Why not just get to it.

No you don't need to be worried about me doing anything silly, but I could definitely use more love in my life. 

Lately I feel like all the people that mattered are gone, now it's just me and my sickness and thoughts. 

Love, 

Abigail 

Anxiety... but make it casual

I can't believe I haven't posted since January, I've wanted to so many times and just couldn't quite bring myself to write.

Anyone who has been following along knows that I've been really lonely and more than a little bit anxious about actually getting intimate with people.  

Sure, I fall in love so fast and so hard at times.. It's usually just me being hopeful that I mean as much to them as they mean to me. 

Lots of the time it's really confusing feeling like a really strong attraction that might be best friends, platonic soulmates, or future wife.... I tend to only really feel physical attraction long after I've decided I like a person's soul.

Anyway.... So all the romantic goo Abigail aside, I met a girl who is probably the most sexually liberated human I know.  Its a little intimidating even if I always considered myself pretty open minded. 

We got on, would hang out drinking, just bonding time... When she springs me with the "hey do you wanna have some zero commitment sex?"

It had been like six or seven years, and I feel really safe and understood by her, so I said yes.  And it was really fun, helped kill some of my anxiety about how things would work now and it was just really nice to feel wanted in that way again. 

We only had that one night though, it's not going to be a regular thing.  And it's actually really frustrating.  When you've gone that long you've just kinda given up on wanting it anymore.  You crave intimacy more. 

So suddenly I'm like dammit I want more.... 

I never even thought I was capable of unemotional unattached sex, so it's been a complex time in my head... Like I can see the appeal, it was really nice, but it wasn't meaningful and I feel like I betrayed my own profound longing for actual love. 

I don't like the idea that I could start accepting less than I want. 

But I'm also really tired of being alone and wanting more than I'll ever get from people, how many times can I end up hopelessly infatuated and hurt.  If there's a limit to that I must be getting close. Maybe occasional casual stuff could be enough to keep me happy. 

Right now, I've been spending lots of time with a girl I adore... And as usual I already know it wouldn't work.  She's not looking to date, she's pretty deep in no strings mode and has her own things to deal with. 

But it doesn't stop those smitten sighs of wishing it could, that somehow I'd be the right person and the choice. 

I'm so good at finding the people who can almost love me.  

Anyway that was the kinda core big thoughts lately.... Aside that I lost one of my best friends and don't even know why, I'm just being aggressively ghosted, and that's really hurt. 

My health is still in the gutter with no signs of ever getting better, which means I can't work, which means I can't escape this town and find some trans friendly community elsewhere. 

It's all a bit bleak and depressing honestly. 

But I keep giving tomorrow the chance to surprise me.  

Hell Is Other People

I don't know what it is about being unemployed and sick, but it seems to attract a lot of really vicious judgment from people.

Either they want to look down their noses at how I choose to spend my money or fund my hobbies, or they want to tell me I'm just lazy and should be outside exercising as if that's the magic solution to a chronic health condition. 

I'm so fucking sick of it, especially knowing that if I was working I'd be experiencing so much less of it. 

Without being me they can't ever understand how I feel, how depressing it is to not feel capable of even the most basic life tasks, or how lonely it all is. 

Fuck all of those people anyway. 

Yearly Reflection

Most years on or around my birthday I get all self reflective and try to come up with some kind of lesson for myself.  But this year has been so bleak.

I've been heartbroken at least three times, I've been lonelier than I have ever been even though I'm surrounded by people who love me, my health is all over the place, and I have no fucking clue what to do from here. 

If I were to move to Sydney which is at least kind of an option, what would I do for work given my health issues, where would I live, would it even be less transphobic feeling?

And if i stay where I am, can I even actually survive knowing I'll never be loved the way I need to be?

I'm fucking depressed, and I actually don't even want to brightside this shit today. 

Go Where The Love Is

I've spent so many years either running away after heart breaks or running to wherever I think the love might be.  Just desperately trying to find where I belong in the world.

And I've wasted years of my life waiting to see if things would work out.

Right now I'm living back home and even though I have lots of friends here, I still feel lonely so much of the time. 

When I go out for a night out, its all side eyed glares and uncomfortable, if I dare to install Tinder it's the same four butch lesbians and couples looking for thirds. 

It's really hard being a demisexual in a small town, I bond with people hard, I fall in love, and then I end up sad they don't feel the same way.  I'm never as special to people as they are to me. 

So maybe it's time to repeat the cycle, pack everything up, and go where the love is. Or at the very least the possibility of finding it.

Where there are other LGBTQIA people, where i could feel less like some kind of alien exhibit for people to be curious about. 

I just don't know where that is yet.

Worth Saving

In one of my old posts about love I mentioned that I have all of these really ingrained self esteem issues, and this week I've had some reminders about just how bad they actually are.

When the people in our lives that are meant to love us end up hurting us instead it creates this lasting impact on our worth. 

In my case it started with the physical violence from my father, and was made significantly worse by the emotional abuse in my last serious relationship.

So how do we feel worth again? The incredibly unhealthy option that most people with PTSD end up with, is we desperately seek the approval of others, and the people who matter most to us especially.  We seek love and approval everywhere we go. 

And sometimes that works, for awhile, but then any kind of perceived rejection throws us straight back to that original trauma... I turn into this sad suicidal hurt animal, I lash out, I get unstable, I hurt myself.

And I think I have finally reached the point where I need to admit that I can't go on like this, I need some help and professional support. So I'm actually going to look into practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy near me.

It's really hard to admit these kinds of vulnerabilities, and I'm actually scared of the idea of talking to someone honestly about it all.  But let's be real, I can't keep drowning it in substances or running away every time I hurt. 

So here's hoping I can work it all out. 

Love,

Abigail 

Remember Who You Are

I had a really amazing weekend for lots of reasons really.  When I decided to leave my job one of the last things I did was to book myself a night away in Wanaka, which is a gorgeous cliche alpine lake town in New Zealand.  I bought tickets to see one of my favorite musicians play with the sole intention of doing something entirely for my own enjoyment. 

It had probably been a few years since I went to a gig that I actually REALLY wanted to be at, so I drove up from my hometown with a friend.  

Stopped and visited some friends I hadn't seen in years, and had great chats in the Arrowtown sunshine.  Arrowtown is a super scenic former gold mining town, surrounded by cliffs and with a cute river running through it. 

Finally arrived in Wanaka, a bit later than I expected, checked into a nice hotel room that was probably less nice than I was expecting. 

Drank wines, chatted, did my makeup, got on a cute outfit and filled with anxiety went out.

It's always nerve wracking going out in new places, there's always the lingering threat of transphobic douchebags. And I am always hyper vigilant.

But anyway I actually had so many nice moments, girls in the bathroom complimenting my outfit, super wasted girls telling me they love me... Yknow the kind of wasted hype squad we all need occasionally. 

The security staff saying have a nice night girls when we walked past was nice little gender affirming euphoria. 

Dancing lots, which I'm generally too self conscious to do, but somehow opiuo always manages to get me to have a boogy. 

All the fantastic chats with my friend, random strangers, and the kinda blurry messes that happen by 2am.

A deep and meaningful with a stranger whose friends looked thoroughly over the fact that I had her captivated too long. 

And the inevitable freezing cold walk back to the hotel at 4am.

But all of these things reminded me that I actually love that stuff, I love meeting new people and having those huge chats, I love those nights that turn into days, and I really haven't done any of that in so long. 

At least not on my own terms, it's always gigs to support other people. 

It's Wednesday, and I still feel the afterglow. 

So remember, do the things you love, with the people you love, and do them as often as you can. 

Broken Hearted

I'm always broken hearted in one way or another, but as it turns out this time it's quite literally.

I have been feeling like there was something wrong for years really, I'd get a racing heart rate and out of breath doing the simplest things, and I have suffered extreme fatigue for most of my life. 

But this week I went to work and just felt awful, the fatigue was overwhelming. I felt faint, dizzy, headachey, and just all round terrible.

So I decided to go to the ER, and at least initially they gave me the impression they thought I was wasting their time, until they connected me to EKG. 

Probably the first time I've been all the way topless in front of anyone after transition, and it's a bunch of doctors and nurses getting really rough with my boobs, that was pretty violating.

My heart has been beating fast for years, anything from 100-150 while resting.  In the ER it topped out at 174 and all the doctors and nurses came running.  I definitely felt like I might pass out but they kept asking if i had chest pain, could I hear them, am I okay.... Which just panicked me more. They gave me beta blockers to slow me back down, and a bunch of IV fluids and stuff.  So thankfully I actually went to hospital not a GP as a casual patient. 

If I'd gone home and ignored it, I might not be here right now. 

My diagnosis is Atrial Fibrillation which basically means my heart gets trapped in a bad rhythm and beats far too fast.  Its been all over my family and killed my grandmother, and definitely didn't help my father's case. 

So I'm not sure if I mentioned it here but I've had the weirdest sense of impending doom for ages now, and this just feels like the beginning to me.

So the next step is to see a cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and possibly an MRI and CT scan of my chest, to see if there are any surgical procedures that might help, and how bad the damage has been.

And here's the hard part right, this thing fucks over healthy people pretty effectively. 

But I have an extensive history of drug use, a lot of which are reasonably cardio toxic, I've probably snorted my own body weight in stimulants in my lifetime, I've smoked most of my life, I've had more than a few bottles of wine, and frankly I eat like shit a lot of the time.

So I'm really scared of what those scans are going to say, the impending doom just feels like it's starting not gone. And I'm worried about them finding other things wrong in this process. 

These meds also seem to make my back pain astronomically worse, I've been in crying pain all morning. So that's another ER trip probably. 

On top of all of this I'm still having bursts of tachycardia (bpm over 100 while resting) and every time that happens I worry that maybe I'll get unlucky, maybe I'll just die doing something stupid at work or lying in my bed. Because let's face it they're the only two places I ever am anymore.

I'm scared it could all be over randomly, and I'll never be able to find my person, I'll never get to finish any of my writing, I'll never get to tell everyone I love them, I'll never get to show off the more complete version of me. 

And I cry.  I'm pre mourning myself which probably feels overly dramatic to some of you.  But I'm really really scared. Every twinge in my chest, feeling the pulse in my legs if they touch while I sleep, every headache and fluttery beat of my heart.... Just scares me.

And I know I'm completely powerless against any of it, so if it happens, the people I love should probably already know it.  I love you. 

Fickle Mental Health

It's a really weird thing to feel absolutely fantastic 90% of the time and then just feel crushing despair and a desire for everything to end the other 10%

In this moment I'm feeling really low, it's hard to feel like any progress is happening, I feel really trapped in my circumstances.  And anyone who knows me knows I hate feeling trapped or forced into things.

Obviously a lot of this can change and will very soon, but it doesn't help me in the moment.  I'm exhausted almost always and surviving on Ritalin and Zopiclone to manage my sleep cycles, which isn't maintainable really.  And because I'm exhausted I'm feeling erratic, low, high, everything, nothing. 

I need a few days of just being hugged while sleeping, or the void to take me, or my entire life to change. 

What Love Means To Me

Anyone who reads this blog knows I'm a little bit damaged, I've got self esteem issues going right back to my childhood, attachment issues due to various relationships that hurt me, and probably a pretty skewed view of what it actually means to be loved.

I'm always looking for a person to take those pains away and make me forget all the past hurt, it's actually a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to I think, and the fact that I'm so love starved to begin with means I tend to attach hard and too fast.  I'm aware of it, but it doesn't necessarily prevent it happening 

I'm really lucky though, I get a lot of platonic love and have so many truly amazing friends, they've done wonders at helping all those self esteem issues and honestly just keeping me here when things feel overwhelming and bleak. 

But romantic love is more elusive, it has been literal decades since I've felt an honest version of it.  One where I didn't feel guilty about it, or like it'd be gone at a moments notice. 

Love to me is the person who makes me glow just by being around, who I can talk to about anything no matter how hard and be given an understanding ear or some good advice, it's understanding who I am and the ways I'll sometimes react.  It's healing together. 

It's sharing lives, being the person next to me to be delighted with when we are out on adventures, and lie next to me at 3am talking about our hopes and dreams.  Being part of a team of two amazing individuals that just become better for it.

It's about challenging one another in healthy ways, and remembering how precious we are even when we fight, and never taking that for granted. 

I just want to be seen and valued, I want my strange little soul to be all those things I listed for someone else.  I want them to glow extra hard with me.

Most importantly though, I want someone who understands that kindness is a gift, who treats everyone with some softness, not just me. 

Love is lots of different things really, and it probably looks different to other people. 

But this is basically my self affirmation, so I stop getting lost so often.

Abigail x

Rarely A Straight Line

People always wish for the linear process, if I do step a, step b, step c then everything will be better.

But thats hardly ever how it actually works 

This week has been full of ups and downs, the usual slightly manic feeling of my work life where I sleep where and when I can, trying so hard to have a social life on top of it all, and still processing exactly how I feel about so many things. 

Today I just feel sad, like the brief bursts of feeling okay and the joys of things are just wearing off too quickly in the face of the exhaustion and sadness. 

It was never going to be easy to just flick a switch and stop hurting, because healing is a winding path that sometimes loops back on itself.  But for today, it hurts all over again. 

And that just has to be okay, I'll embrace the sadness for now. 

Afterglow

It's actually been a really nice few weeks, my phone informed me I'd used it 41hrs less than the previous week haha, so the detox is kinda working.  I have my professional Facebook account that I've added people to lately but I don't post to it much.

Been planning a big girl's night since one of my best friends is leaving the country again soon, it's going to be a multiple wardrobe changes kinda night, and probably hyper emotional but in the best ways.

Went for a nice long walk on the beach with someone I hadn't seen in far too many years, really nice to have that time with someone I adore.  Lots of fresh air and exercise. 

I don't wanna jinx it but I actually feel really healthy and happy right now.

Love, 

Abigail 

Anti-Numb Emotional Rebound

Whenever I need to deal with anything emotionally hard I have a tendency to get kinda clinical, like if I just focus on all the things I need to do to establish my emotional safety then I can avoid actually feeling whats hurting me.

I busy myself with the administration of it all, and then comes the crash.  The numb automatic mode runs out, and I kinda disintegrate. 

Today was the first day I've actually stopped and felt how hard it is to not have that person I share everything with, and realize it's going to be awhile before I have someone like that again.  It's not about second guessing my decision, it's more like finally actually mourning that loss. I definitely miss her. 

So what do I do during the emotional rebound, well I cleaned my room, did my laundry, made my bed, put on a face mask and a candle, and cried.

Basically again I kept my brain busy as long as I could on other tasks... And then I ran out of things to do.

I doubt this is helpful to anyone else, but I kinda wanted to document the thoughts, and the responses, maybe it'll help me next time I break my own heart.  Because let's face it, I'll never stop feeling this much, loving this hard, and probably getting hurt more.

Anyway, here's to the people we loved and lost, the people we've yet to love, and to the lonely broken hearts. 

Love,

Abigail 

Clean Slates

So basically this is the end and the beginning in a lot of ways, I deactivated my personal Facebook account last night after getting my backups downloaded, and that decision was mostly just around the kinds of feelings and moods that Facebook tended to cause.

As a transgender person we tend to see a lot of comments on Facebook which specifically treat us as less than the general population, we are discussed in terms of legislation over our bodies, our private lives, our ability to choose for ourselves.  A lot of those comments treat us as a problem to be solved rather than as individuals with lives, loves, friends and family, passions and dreams.

Its the same kind of arguments against people of other races we've seen before, the same arguments we saw on gay marriage and almost every other horrible period of human history where a minority suffered violence at the hands of bigots.

So every day, at LEAST once or twice a day I would see some comment which basically said I should die, or that I shouldn't be allowed to exist as a transgender person, that I'm somehow mentally ill and need to be cured or killed.  It gets really draining, even with all the positive posts celebrating being trans that I also see... for every hundred positive posts it only takes one of those spiteful people to really make me spiral.

And if you've been keeping up on all my other posts, it was also a place where I was constantly reminded of how much I have been hurting about the girl I mentioned, its really hard to try and move on if you are seeing them even virtually everywhere you go.

So here we are, its digital detox time, I figure I will try and write a lot more on this blog which should result in better content here that's a little more detailed than I could ordinarily get away with on Facebook, there will be less editing, and of course without all the memes and foolishness hopefully it will be easier to take it all a bit more seriously.

I think because I tend to be quite light hearted and silly, people tend to see me as somehow incapable of seriousness or that my feelings are never really hurt.  Hopefully this post should clarify, that I actually hurt an awful lot of the time, and the seriousness definitely happens I just haven't always been the best at showing it.  It's much easier to laugh than cry.

The other thing I am looking forward to is having direct conversations with people more often, rather than people relying on my ridiculous levels of spam on Facebook to count as keeping up with me, I hope they'll take a few minutes to actually talk to me occasionally.

I love my people, its going to be a strange and difficult thing to deliberately distance myself like this, but I really hope it will actually make me a better friend with more emotional energy to play with.

Lots of love,
Abigail

Emotional Chew Toy

So you think someone loves you, but really you're just their emotional chew toy, lots of fun when they want to play, that is until you fall to pieces.

I feel like shit, and I hate the level of gaslighting involved.  The same girl who tells me all the ways she loves me and wishes we'd worked out just a few weeks ago, and now because I want it to happen, or not, I'm treated like a lunatic and like it's all in my head. 

It's just really disappointing to be treated that way by someone you thought cared. 

But it's done, I made the healthy choice, and here I am just feeling unsure where to from here.  I'm trying really hard to stay the same loving optimist I always am, but it's hard. 

There's a sense of relief too though, it's over finally. 

The Follow On

I guess it does actually all catch up, snippets of human affection from people who you can't be with actually aren't enough.  Sometimes its just safer to stop hoping and hurting yourself waiting for it to last more than a night at a time.

And I know I deserve better than that kind of thing, but its been well over a decade, and nobody has put their hand up for that particular task.  The loneliness is real, the anxiety is also real.

My last real relationship was in 2010, and it was a nice simplistic hetero situation, I have no idea how to find whatever I need to find now.  I am basically looking for that pan/bi/lesbian needle in the haystack that will love me for me, and I am trying to find it in some of the smallest most narrow minded places in New Zealand... it's actually really hard when all my friends are telling me I deserve better, or I will one day find the most amazing person to be with.  I am 43... being real there are not that many awesome years left to enjoy the early parts of dating people, traveling, adventuring.  At what point does it actually get too late to start over.

I cry at night sometimes, for the girl I wish I could be with, for the girl I wish I was, but mostly I cry because I want to matter enough to somebody again that I am where they want to be.