Fickle Mental Health

It's a really weird thing to feel absolutely fantastic 90% of the time and then just feel crushing despair and a desire for everything to end the other 10%

In this moment I'm feeling really low, it's hard to feel like any progress is happening, I feel really trapped in my circumstances.  And anyone who knows me knows I hate feeling trapped or forced into things.

Obviously a lot of this can change and will very soon, but it doesn't help me in the moment.  I'm exhausted almost always and surviving on Ritalin and Zopiclone to manage my sleep cycles, which isn't maintainable really.  And because I'm exhausted I'm feeling erratic, low, high, everything, nothing. 

I need a few days of just being hugged while sleeping, or the void to take me, or my entire life to change. 

What Love Means To Me

Anyone who reads this blog knows I'm a little bit damaged, I've got self esteem issues going right back to my childhood, attachment issues due to various relationships that hurt me, and probably a pretty skewed view of what it actually means to be loved.

I'm always looking for a person to take those pains away and make me forget all the past hurt, it's actually a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to I think, and the fact that I'm so love starved to begin with means I tend to attach hard and too fast.  I'm aware of it, but it doesn't necessarily prevent it happening 

I'm really lucky though, I get a lot of platonic love and have so many truly amazing friends, they've done wonders at helping all those self esteem issues and honestly just keeping me here when things feel overwhelming and bleak. 

But romantic love is more elusive, it has been literal decades since I've felt an honest version of it.  One where I didn't feel guilty about it, or like it'd be gone at a moments notice. 

Love to me is the person who makes me glow just by being around, who I can talk to about anything no matter how hard and be given an understanding ear or some good advice, it's understanding who I am and the ways I'll sometimes react.  It's healing together. 

It's sharing lives, being the person next to me to be delighted with when we are out on adventures, and lie next to me at 3am talking about our hopes and dreams.  Being part of a team of two amazing individuals that just become better for it.

It's about challenging one another in healthy ways, and remembering how precious we are even when we fight, and never taking that for granted. 

I just want to be seen and valued, I want my strange little soul to be all those things I listed for someone else.  I want them to glow extra hard with me.

Most importantly though, I want someone who understands that kindness is a gift, who treats everyone with some softness, not just me. 

Love is lots of different things really, and it probably looks different to other people. 

But this is basically my self affirmation, so I stop getting lost so often.

Abigail x

Rarely A Straight Line

People always wish for the linear process, if I do step a, step b, step c then everything will be better.

But thats hardly ever how it actually works 

This week has been full of ups and downs, the usual slightly manic feeling of my work life where I sleep where and when I can, trying so hard to have a social life on top of it all, and still processing exactly how I feel about so many things. 

Today I just feel sad, like the brief bursts of feeling okay and the joys of things are just wearing off too quickly in the face of the exhaustion and sadness. 

It was never going to be easy to just flick a switch and stop hurting, because healing is a winding path that sometimes loops back on itself.  But for today, it hurts all over again. 

And that just has to be okay, I'll embrace the sadness for now. 

Afterglow

It's actually been a really nice few weeks, my phone informed me I'd used it 41hrs less than the previous week haha, so the detox is kinda working.  I have my professional Facebook account that I've added people to lately but I don't post to it much.

Been planning a big girl's night since one of my best friends is leaving the country again soon, it's going to be a multiple wardrobe changes kinda night, and probably hyper emotional but in the best ways.

Went for a nice long walk on the beach with someone I hadn't seen in far too many years, really nice to have that time with someone I adore.  Lots of fresh air and exercise. 

I don't wanna jinx it but I actually feel really healthy and happy right now.

Love, 

Abigail