Anti-Numb Emotional Rebound

Whenever I need to deal with anything emotionally hard I have a tendency to get kinda clinical, like if I just focus on all the things I need to do to establish my emotional safety then I can avoid actually feeling whats hurting me.

I busy myself with the administration of it all, and then comes the crash.  The numb automatic mode runs out, and I kinda disintegrate. 

Today was the first day I've actually stopped and felt how hard it is to not have that person I share everything with, and realize it's going to be awhile before I have someone like that again.  It's not about second guessing my decision, it's more like finally actually mourning that loss. I definitely miss her. 

So what do I do during the emotional rebound, well I cleaned my room, did my laundry, made my bed, put on a face mask and a candle, and cried.

Basically again I kept my brain busy as long as I could on other tasks... And then I ran out of things to do.

I doubt this is helpful to anyone else, but I kinda wanted to document the thoughts, and the responses, maybe it'll help me next time I break my own heart.  Because let's face it, I'll never stop feeling this much, loving this hard, and probably getting hurt more.

Anyway, here's to the people we loved and lost, the people we've yet to love, and to the lonely broken hearts. 

Love,

Abigail 

Clean Slates

So basically this is the end and the beginning in a lot of ways, I deactivated my personal Facebook account last night after getting my backups downloaded, and that decision was mostly just around the kinds of feelings and moods that Facebook tended to cause.

As a transgender person we tend to see a lot of comments on Facebook which specifically treat us as less than the general population, we are discussed in terms of legislation over our bodies, our private lives, our ability to choose for ourselves.  A lot of those comments treat us as a problem to be solved rather than as individuals with lives, loves, friends and family, passions and dreams.

Its the same kind of arguments against people of other races we've seen before, the same arguments we saw on gay marriage and almost every other horrible period of human history where a minority suffered violence at the hands of bigots.

So every day, at LEAST once or twice a day I would see some comment which basically said I should die, or that I shouldn't be allowed to exist as a transgender person, that I'm somehow mentally ill and need to be cured or killed.  It gets really draining, even with all the positive posts celebrating being trans that I also see... for every hundred positive posts it only takes one of those spiteful people to really make me spiral.

And if you've been keeping up on all my other posts, it was also a place where I was constantly reminded of how much I have been hurting about the girl I mentioned, its really hard to try and move on if you are seeing them even virtually everywhere you go.

So here we are, its digital detox time, I figure I will try and write a lot more on this blog which should result in better content here that's a little more detailed than I could ordinarily get away with on Facebook, there will be less editing, and of course without all the memes and foolishness hopefully it will be easier to take it all a bit more seriously.

I think because I tend to be quite light hearted and silly, people tend to see me as somehow incapable of seriousness or that my feelings are never really hurt.  Hopefully this post should clarify, that I actually hurt an awful lot of the time, and the seriousness definitely happens I just haven't always been the best at showing it.  It's much easier to laugh than cry.

The other thing I am looking forward to is having direct conversations with people more often, rather than people relying on my ridiculous levels of spam on Facebook to count as keeping up with me, I hope they'll take a few minutes to actually talk to me occasionally.

I love my people, its going to be a strange and difficult thing to deliberately distance myself like this, but I really hope it will actually make me a better friend with more emotional energy to play with.

Lots of love,
Abigail

Emotional Chew Toy

So you think someone loves you, but really you're just their emotional chew toy, lots of fun when they want to play, that is until you fall to pieces.

I feel like shit, and I hate the level of gaslighting involved.  The same girl who tells me all the ways she loves me and wishes we'd worked out just a few weeks ago, and now because I want it to happen, or not, I'm treated like a lunatic and like it's all in my head. 

It's just really disappointing to be treated that way by someone you thought cared. 

But it's done, I made the healthy choice, and here I am just feeling unsure where to from here.  I'm trying really hard to stay the same loving optimist I always am, but it's hard. 

There's a sense of relief too though, it's over finally. 

The Follow On

I guess it does actually all catch up, snippets of human affection from people who you can't be with actually aren't enough.  Sometimes its just safer to stop hoping and hurting yourself waiting for it to last more than a night at a time.

And I know I deserve better than that kind of thing, but its been well over a decade, and nobody has put their hand up for that particular task.  The loneliness is real, the anxiety is also real.

My last real relationship was in 2010, and it was a nice simplistic hetero situation, I have no idea how to find whatever I need to find now.  I am basically looking for that pan/bi/lesbian needle in the haystack that will love me for me, and I am trying to find it in some of the smallest most narrow minded places in New Zealand... it's actually really hard when all my friends are telling me I deserve better, or I will one day find the most amazing person to be with.  I am 43... being real there are not that many awesome years left to enjoy the early parts of dating people, traveling, adventuring.  At what point does it actually get too late to start over.

I cry at night sometimes, for the girl I wish I could be with, for the girl I wish I was, but mostly I cry because I want to matter enough to somebody again that I am where they want to be.