Yearly Reflection

Most years on or around my birthday I get all self reflective and try to come up with some kind of lesson for myself.  But this year has been so bleak.

I've been heartbroken at least three times, I've been lonelier than I have ever been even though I'm surrounded by people who love me, my health is all over the place, and I have no fucking clue what to do from here. 

If I were to move to Sydney which is at least kind of an option, what would I do for work given my health issues, where would I live, would it even be less transphobic feeling?

And if i stay where I am, can I even actually survive knowing I'll never be loved the way I need to be?

I'm fucking depressed, and I actually don't even want to brightside this shit today. 

Go Where The Love Is

I've spent so many years either running away after heart breaks or running to wherever I think the love might be.  Just desperately trying to find where I belong in the world.

And I've wasted years of my life waiting to see if things would work out.

Right now I'm living back home and even though I have lots of friends here, I still feel lonely so much of the time. 

When I go out for a night out, its all side eyed glares and uncomfortable, if I dare to install Tinder it's the same four butch lesbians and couples looking for thirds. 

It's really hard being a demisexual in a small town, I bond with people hard, I fall in love, and then I end up sad they don't feel the same way.  I'm never as special to people as they are to me. 

So maybe it's time to repeat the cycle, pack everything up, and go where the love is. Or at the very least the possibility of finding it.

Where there are other LGBTQIA people, where i could feel less like some kind of alien exhibit for people to be curious about. 

I just don't know where that is yet.