The Baby That Never Was

Okay so forewarning, this one is going to be a little personal, I'm a bit tipsy and it has been an enormous few weeks and I am barely holding onto my calm.

But I really wanted to talk about something that has bothered me for the better part of a decade and only gets more relevant the closer I am to taking hormones.

Parenthood... Motherhood... Offspring.... Making Lives

So my last real relationship was with somebody that I definitely couldn't have ever ended up with, two mentally unstable people who were deeply attracted but could never find a healthy middle ground with one another, fundamental disagreements on life direction and various core moral things.
It was doomed and we just circled one another wishing it wasn't doomed and biting small pieces off one another the whole way down.

I could get into a LOT of detail, but I won't because that's not really relevant to the issue I want to talk about.  When I was with her, she got pregnant, and we chose to abort.  And neither one of us has ever really questioned whether that was the right thing to do, because it so clearly was the right thing to do, we weren't working and dragging a baby into the middle of it would have been really silly.

But here I am a decade later kind of wishing that baby had existed, and wondering what they may have been like, imagining the possibilities of who they may have become and who I may have been if they had existed.  I think about this way more than I will ordinarily admit.

But that's not going to be a possibility for me for very much longer, they throw around tentative numbers like 3-6 months after taking hormones before fertility basically goes out the window.

Freezing semen costs WAY more than is really practical right now, so that's not really an option, and so here I am... occasionally and with ever increasing frequency thinking about that baby that might have been.

I wish I had a child, I feel like I have an enormous amount to teach someone with the life I have led, and who I am now.  Or at the least, I wish a part of me had lived on in someone else.  As things stand I have been single basically ever since the girl I talked about above, and the likelihood of meeting someone who randomly wants a baby in the very immediate future is basically not happening.

So I have been easing myself into a future of that just not happening, and it makes me sad.

My Mum is a huge part of why I am who I am, she taught me all the best bits of me, and I am actually super jealous of my friends who are mothers, I really wish I had been able to experience that.
And as I get older even the possibility of adoption is basically not something I can do.

I don't know what this post really hopes to achieve, a kind of venting I guess, a random cry in the darkness for the baby that never was, and never will be.  Like writing a wish on a piece of paper and throwing it into a fire.

So if you have a child, love them, teach them, help them.

And if you want a child before March and need a donor, you have until then.

Lots of love,
Abigail.