Trigger warnings for bleakness, nihilism, negativity and implied thoughts of death.
Having a chronic health condition means I'm trapped with my own thoughts just feeling bad an awful lot of the time, having ADHD on top of that means my brain is still way too fast even when my body can barely move.
So the things that plague me I think are a combination of philosophy, science, hallucinogens, and religion.
I think about the fact that we are born and given this finite lifespan to enjoy, and then suddenly we are dead... And it's not even as cheerful as nothingness or black voids... Because we won't even be aware of the lack of reality. I've spent my whole life perceiving my reality, the idea of no longer doing that is really scary. Imagining it fills me with a really specific kind of fear.
It's one of the reasons I avoid ketamine and DMT now, because the editing of reality on those is so confronting. And especially with ketamine it often feels like disintegrating and very slowly reintegrating, it feels too close to death.
And then if we take things really macro scale there's the whole idea that the universe expanded outwards and eventually it will die too. Nothing is forever, infinity is a joke, there are just some very large concepts, but they all have an end point eventually.
So I went to look for scientific evidence of where consciousness and perception come from, proof of a soul, anything.
And all of my uniqueness just comes down to chemical chance.
I feel really nihilistic lately, if nothing actually means anything, and no part of us goes on from here then why drag it out?
And if by some fluke some part of us does? Why not just get to it.
No you don't need to be worried about me doing anything silly, but I could definitely use more love in my life.
Lately I feel like all the people that mattered are gone, now it's just me and my sickness and thoughts.
Love,
Abigail
