Anyone who has been following along knows that I've been really lonely and more than a little bit anxious about actually getting intimate with people.
Sure, I fall in love so fast and so hard at times.. It's usually just me being hopeful that I mean as much to them as they mean to me.
Lots of the time it's really confusing feeling like a really strong attraction that might be best friends, platonic soulmates, or future wife.... I tend to only really feel physical attraction long after I've decided I like a person's soul.
Anyway.... So all the romantic goo Abigail aside, I met a girl who is probably the most sexually liberated human I know. Its a little intimidating even if I always considered myself pretty open minded.
We got on, would hang out drinking, just bonding time... When she springs me with the "hey do you wanna have some zero commitment sex?"
It had been like six or seven years, and I feel really safe and understood by her, so I said yes. And it was really fun, helped kill some of my anxiety about how things would work now and it was just really nice to feel wanted in that way again.
We only had that one night though, it's not going to be a regular thing. And it's actually really frustrating. When you've gone that long you've just kinda given up on wanting it anymore. You crave intimacy more.
So suddenly I'm like dammit I want more....
I never even thought I was capable of unemotional unattached sex, so it's been a complex time in my head... Like I can see the appeal, it was really nice, but it wasn't meaningful and I feel like I betrayed my own profound longing for actual love.
I don't like the idea that I could start accepting less than I want.
But I'm also really tired of being alone and wanting more than I'll ever get from people, how many times can I end up hopelessly infatuated and hurt. If there's a limit to that I must be getting close. Maybe occasional casual stuff could be enough to keep me happy.
Right now, I've been spending lots of time with a girl I adore... And as usual I already know it wouldn't work. She's not looking to date, she's pretty deep in no strings mode and has her own things to deal with.
But it doesn't stop those smitten sighs of wishing it could, that somehow I'd be the right person and the choice.
I'm so good at finding the people who can almost love me.
Anyway that was the kinda core big thoughts lately.... Aside that I lost one of my best friends and don't even know why, I'm just being aggressively ghosted, and that's really hurt.
My health is still in the gutter with no signs of ever getting better, which means I can't work, which means I can't escape this town and find some trans friendly community elsewhere.
It's all a bit bleak and depressing honestly.
But I keep giving tomorrow the chance to surprise me.
